Dear Gentlemen,I'm no slave to fashion, but I try to stay in the same decade as the predominant trends, to keep my mating options as flexible as possible. The problem is with the beard craze of the last decade. I am not a hairy guy at all and due to genetics or PVC-lined bottles, I cannot grow so much as two hairs on my chin. No problem, but my girlfriend is descended from a more hirsute people than I (She could grow a Super Mario mustache in a week), and recently she came out and challenged my manhood, asking me to grow a beard just so she can see what it's like on me. How do I tell her I don't have the whiskers to pull it off? Should it matter? Am I less than a full man? Chaz Bono looks like Grizzly Adams compared to me.
Plucked in Poughkeepsie
Dear Plucked,
A beard is not a prerequisite for masculine adulthood. And neither is partaking in the feminine obsession with self-doubting your appearance. Tell your girl that your skin is too perfect for a beard or grow a wispy 'stache and get a Trans-Am. Either way, the key here is to address the problem with gentlemanly confidence and aplomb.
The challenge to your manhood has nothing to do with growing a beard and everything to do with getting embroiled in a conversation about your grooming habits. It's ok to use her exfoliating soap in the shower but don't talk about it over breakfast or ask where to buy it, or discuss availability of other flavors from specialty soap websites.
Men have a special way we handle all problems; it's called the scientific method and it involves trial and error not subscriptions to beauty mags or appointments at hair salons. If you don't want to grow a beard, tell your girlfriend you tried it once and did not like the results.
Smoothly,
The Gentlemen
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