If a Gentleman Snores

Dear Gentlemen,

My wife, saint though she may be, is at the end of her rope with yours truly. It seems that in the past year or two I have begun to snore with great regularity. The volume of the snoring increases, she tells me, on evenings when I have imbibed a fair quantity of alcohol. She claims it has gotten to the point that she is no longer getting a full night's rest because of these terrible bear-like sounds that I am responsible for.

My wife seems to believe that suffering meekly though her husband's snoring is not part of our marriage contract. In fact, she feels quite comfortable making very hurtful suggestions to me when I have just woken up and not yet had my coffee, not to mention tisking at, tapping, pinching, and actually bludgeoning me during these alleged bouts of snoring so that I am yanked ungently from the bosom of sleep. She has suggested that I sleep on the couch. She has suggested that I abstain from drinking. She has even suggested that I seek out a surgical solution.

What do I do, gentlemen? How am I to satisfy my wife in this regard, while at the same time maintaining a place of repose for myself in our marriage bed?

Cordially,
Brooklyn Lumberjack

 

Dear Brooklyn,

Snoring is no laughing matter. Snoring killed gentleman and sack artist Reggie White. And if you’ve ever had a roommate who snored, you would agree that it amounts to nothing less than a callous withholding of one of life’s necessities from the person who has to hear it.

We all snore sometimes. And if it’s a regular occurrence, then you should address it. But both surgery and sobriety both seem like extreme steps. There are mouthpieces and machines that claim to end snoring. Have your wife channel some of her bleary-eyed rage into researching the various methods and devices by which your snoring can be alleviated. And if they don't work, tell her that many happy marriages have survived worse stop-gaps than a pair of ear plugs and a white-noise machine.

Yours in Repose,

The Gentlemen