Convincing the Lady You Can Fix Things

Dear Gentlemen,
My woman thinks I am utterly useless at any and all household maintenance and repair jobs, while she believes that she is quite handy. Whenever I start any project she accuses me of simply taking apart and destroying "her" house. And whenever I run out of screws or have to stop the project for any reason, she suggests I do not have the requisite skill and knowledge to actually repair anything, and is quick to either call a professional, or to patronizingly suggest that this it is a cute hobby that I tinker with things on the weekend.

Last weekend I took apart a broken - broken! – kids’ toy and could not fix it. She said it was like living with a "meth head" And she is always putting my tools someplace I can't find them and then accusing me of taking all the screwdrivers out of the kitchen drawer. What can I do to convince my woman I can fix things, and how can I stop the abuse?

Sincerely,

Man of the House

Dear Man of the House,

If you want to convince your woman you can fix things, fix them. Like a credit card, start with a small project and totally finish it, including all clean up. And tell her how you enjoyed the project. She’ll appreciate that you fixed something and were doing something you enjoy. Over time the abuse should subside.

But really, how bad are you at fixing things? Even good carpenters are called messy by their significant others, or overconfident, but never useless. And if you can actually fix things, you should get a workshop, where prying eyes will not be able to see, and criticize the messy middle of a project. The item goes in broken and comes out fixed and that's all she has to know.

And if you are a poor tinkerer, then consider your weakness as a strength in bargaining, for better tools and your own workspace. Get the kitchen its own cute little set of tools, and get yourself some new Made-in-America real tools.

Of course when your woman finds her pink tools in your workspace you just have to take the heat, and put all the pink tools away in the impossible-to-close case in which they came.

Happy Fixing,

The Gentlemen

Dancing When You’d Rather Not

Dear Gentlemen,

What is a gentleman to do when his date, wife or girlfriend insists on dancing at a wedding, and he either doesn’t know how to dance or have any inclination, and thinks dancing makes him look like a nimrod?

Regards,

The Happy Wallflower

Dear Wallflower,

Dance, even if you don’t know how. You will look foolish. Socially, that’s part of the point. But after a minute, you will see that you’re not the most foolish-looking one on the floor. After two minutes, you may even enjoy it.

After five minutes, if you still don’t like it, you will have done the required amount of dancing and you can retire to the sidelines to talk and drink with other gentlemen whose consorts have likely formed one of those women-dancing ovals that forms at most weddings.

You’ll get credit from everyone for being a good sport, and you won’t have to hear from your ladyfriend about how you never dance with her. No matter how much you dislike dancing, you save time and trouble by doing a song-and-a-half turn on the floor.

Gracefully,

The Gentlemen

Telling a Friend His Girlfriend is Evil

Dear Gentlemen,

My question is kind of complex: I have a friend who has been dating a girl who is married, meaning, to me at least, she’s not the most honest person.

About six months ago, she claimed she had terminal cancer and was going to die soon. It’s six months later and she’s still alive and perfectly healthy. If I tell my friend about my doubts, and I’m mistaken, I may lose a friend. Do I just wait and see if she’s alive in another six months? If she is, I can already imagine her claiming it was a miracle. The whole thing is sickening. Should I keep my mouth shut?

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Denver

Dear Disgusted,

You raise a question that has plagued gentlemen for millennia. What is a gentleman to do when one of his friends is romantically entangled with a woman who is morally bankrupt, truly insane or simply evil? What is he obligated to say, and when is he obligated to say it?

To address this question, the gentlemen of old have a rule, which says: A gentleman may not criticize his friend’s house, his car or his woman without consequences. And that old rule is a good place to start. And it's a good place to end in most situations.

But lying about terminal cancer to your boyfriend is one of the big bad lies that shouldn’t be tolerated by any of us. It’s right up there with her lying that she’s having, or has had, one of his children. It’s a capital offense.

So, in situations as extreme as the one you mention, it makes sense to start looking at exceptions to the old gentlemen's rule. And the exception is not in what you say, but rather in how you say it. Unless your friend is hopelessly smitten or genuinely stupid, he has likely entertained some of the same suspicions as you. If he's either of those, then there is nothing you can do to change his mind. So don't try.

In your case, our advice is to never accuse the woman. But politely ask your friend, in conversation, about the situations. What were the girlfriend's options in terms of chemo, radiation or surgery? Which did she choose, and why? How often is he taking her to the hospital? If he has clear answers that make sense, then maybe she’s just dealing with her treatment very positively.

If your friend’s answers don’t add up, mention the specific inconsistencies, but never accuse the girlfriend of lying. Keep your blood cold and stick with a conversational tone. Say that’s odd—I never heard of that treatment before. Be insistent, yet dispassionate. Say, when my aunt had a similar ailment, the doctor did something very different. Be curious, helpful, but don't let him change the subject. Say, should she be drinking so much with all the medication she must be on? What’s important is that you don’t ever say that she’s playing your friend for a fool, or even insinuate it. If she's lying, your friend should come to that conclusion on his own.

By restraining your urge to expose the liar in question, you can help your friend without getting on one side of an argument that you don’t belong in. And you won’t be the messenger who is, traditionally, shot.

Sneakily,
The Gentlemen

Required Reading

Dear Gentlemen,

Are there any books or periodicals which are a must-read for the modern day gentleman? What subjects must he be prepared to discuss socially?

Sincerely,

Literate in Scituate

Dear Literate,
While there are many wonderful books we would recommend, the roots of our culture are too deep and its branches too diffuse to embark on such a list.

A gentleman’s education, no matter where his schooling ended, is a personal affair, made up of towering obsessions, daily odds-and-ends, professional training and mild curiosities. It is how he becomes who he is meant to be, and there is no reading list for such a thing.

That said, a gentleman should strive to acquire a broad base of information, knowing a little about every subject. This is not a requirement, but something that will enhance his enjoyment of life, and his enjoyment of social situations. It enables him to connect with a wider array of people, and to learn something from all of them.

A social occasion is an time to hold forth on subjects you know and to learn about ones you do not. It’s not a test, and shouldn’t be a cause for anxiety. A gentleman isn’t afraid to admit to the limits of his own knowledge. He recognizes that such an admission is a chance to learn new things. And he knows that other people usually enjoy explaining subjects they’ve taken the time to master. Engaging someone on the home turf of their expertise is usually enjoyable and beneficial to both parties.

In sum, if you're looking for a must-read, just look for what you'd like to read next.

Eruditely,

The Gentlemen

Swimsuit Issues

Dear Sirs,

I am a father with 4 kids under 12. I just got my SI Swimsuit Issue in the mail today. How do I explain to my 3 daughters (12, 10 and 6) that this kind of literature is legitimate? And, is it appropriate to enjoy the articles with my 5-year-old son?

Please advise,

Itaintporn

Kansas City, MO

Dear Itaintporn,
A gentleman lives in the age into which he was born, and in this age he has got to be able to navigate a lot of images of naked and near naked women without coming off like a sleazy creep to have any chance at being a gentleman.

Generally, a gentleman appreciates beautiful women and does not pretend to be innocent to his masculine desires. That said, a gentleman does not celebrate his carnal desires by taping pictures to his bedroom wall, bragging about his downloaded porn collection, or trying to convince his pre-teen daughters that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is legitimate literature.

This is not a parenting column, and I have no idea how you should explain to your children what the SI Swimsuit Issue is all about without making them think less of you or themselves.

But a gentleman does not jump down the rabbit hole of psychology, morality and ethics every time he sees a picture that appeals to his prurient interests. Read the Swimsuit Issue. Enjoy the pictures. Don’t be a creep about it.

Regards,
The Gentlemen

Do Gentlemen Bribe?

Dear Sirs,
As a gentleman residing in the far-flung and humid reaches of Her Majesty’s former colonies, I have at times had reason to “barter,” shall we say, with local law enforcement minor infractions here and there, nothing too worrisome. But it has garnered me excellent results.

Would it be the expert’s view that such activity in a modern age is quite uncalled for, or does it somehow hark back to a more laissez-faire age of tolerance and bonding between gentlemen and the local constabulary?

Your views are appreciated.

With Kind Regards,
Don Montejo

Dear Don,

The kind of law-eliding bonhomie you describe, while it can debase civil society and lead to a festering and corrupt society in which the majority of people lack the basic protections or honest assurances of the law, is also often just how things get done.

Bartering with law enforcement as you describe may be unnecessary in the modern world. But the modern world isn’t equally distributed around the globe. As a gentleman in a strange land, you may want to take it as you find it and be glad that you’re on the good side of local custom.

But it’s a different story if the way of doing business you benefit from is egregiously unjust, and if you plan to make a long-term home in the former colony. If those two criteria fit your situation, then as a gentleman you should take some responsibility for the place you've chosen to live and, at the very least, not contribute to the system.

From the Chilly North,

The Gentlemen

Double Dating with Scum

Dear Gentlemen,
As you are the foremost authority on such topics, I request your admonition. My fiancée insists we spend time with her friends (and their husbands/boyfriends), rather than my mix of cohorts. Her friends are tolerable, but their male counterparts seem to be complete d-bags. [sidebar: does a gentlemen use that term?]

Knowing that relationships are a steadfast negotiation, how do I sway her choice of entertainment over to my side? Is there a gentlemanly way of letting her know that time with her friends' lovers is killing me from the inside? Does honesty trump hurting her feelings by educating her on the lameness of these so called men?

Appreciatively,
Stuck with Sucks

 

Dear Stuck,

Your situation can often be a difficult one to navigate, especially early in a relationship. The notion that your friends are yours, and that she need not heartily approve of them, and vice versa, can be a hard sell.

Double dating only makes that conundrum more difficult. When a woman and her friend get started talking, good luck entering the conversation. They have years of things to hash out, and you’re stuck on a date with someone you may very well not like. And playing nice for an entire evening with someone you disdain is among the more soul-eating experiences polite society has to offer.

The fact is that you must do something, and now. If you don’t, the chances of you behaving with inappropriate aggression toward the d-bag in question increase. And that's strictly a last-resort course of action. Also, not saying anything increases the odds of you taking out your frustration on your betrothed for yet another miserable evening spent in the company of an insufferable retch. [sidebar: A gentlemen may use that term among other gentlemen.]

As you know, relationships are a constant negotiation. You have to let your fiancée know how you feel about the d-bag in question. Let her know how grievously his company pains you. Exaggerate and be noisy about it, so that she will better understand your pain.

If she can’t handle your feelings about her friend’s boyfriend or husband, then you’re in for some trouble down the line. The waters get rougher. But if she does take offense at your characterization of this sleazy dullard, just remind her that you really like her friend, and that many great and intelligent women have been cursed with bad luck or bad decision-making when it comes to men. If she is still upset, then inform her that she should be flattered that you’re not some mindless golden retriever who loves everyone he meets. Rather, you’re a discerning gentleman, who weighs and considers all things, who decides that some people are not worth his time, and that you have decided that your fiancée is indeed worth the vast majority of the rest of your life on earth.

But we digress. By being clear, loud and even obnoxious about what a foul zero the d-bag in question is, you accomplish three important things. First, you are encouraging her to see Mrs. D-Bag on a one-on-one basis more often. Second, you have more leverage when calling an end to the double date, as your betrothed will be filled with anxiety that you might let slip the fact that you loathe the man across the table from you. Third, each time you have to have dinner or drinks with the D-Bags, you will have won some bargaining power for whatever debates arise in the next few days. It will be small and short-lived bargaining power, but it’s better than nothing, which is what being silent seems to be winning for you.

In time, you and your wife-to-be will find couples whose company you enjoy together. Imagine a Venn diagram. It won’t be all of your friends or all of hers. Hopefully it will be somewhere in the middle, unless her friends really have terrible taste. Then, hopefully it will skew heavily toward your friends and their ladies.

Loudly and Clearly,

The Gentlemen

P.S. WARNING! Do not apply the above advice to the trial of spending time with her family.

How to Hold a Revolving Door

Dear Gentlemen,
I have pondered the proper etiquette in this situation for years: When confronted with entering a revolving door in the presence of a lady, is it better to go first and do the manly pushing of the revolving door, or is it better to allow her to enter the door first?

Best,
Confused in Colorado

Dear Confused,

Don’t let the revolving door throw you. Treat it as any door. When approaching a door with a woman, be sure to arrive at the door a half step ahead of her. And with a gentle shove or pull to the door (again, swinging or revolving does not matter), invite her to go first. Manly pushing does not count for much. While women are delicate, they are not invalids. Every day, women make it through doors of all types more or less unscathed with minimal help.


When it comes to gentlemanly deeds like opening a door or pulling out a chair for a lady, it is the gesture that matters far more than the effort you save her. That brings us to another central tenet of gentlemanly behavior towards women: In our modern world, a simple act of thoughtfulness will beat any practical help you can offer a woman eight times out of ten. Just ask any gentleman who has ever made the regrettable though understandable mistake of buying his girlfriend or wife a “practical” gift for her birthday.


Courteously,
The Gentlemen

Littering is Not a Statement

Dear Gentlemen,

I support, and actively engage in, the littering of biodegradable materials. As long as it's biodegradable, I have no problem discarding whatever it is on public streets, sidewalks, or someone's yard. For example, I routinely litter my lunch remnants, fruit cores, and tobacco. I see nothing wrong with this. After all, I am merely returning God's creations back to the earth.

However, in recent days I have been receiving more and more dirty looks from my fellow citizens. Am I in the wrong or is this anti-littering thing a product of the liberal left media?

Cheers,
Litter Bug


Dear Mr. Bug,
A gentleman, generally, does not litter. Littering is not a political act—it is one of laziness. A litterer tells the world that he lacks the energy, the courtesy, or the forethought to be held responsible for the items in his care, or for much else.

An apple core on the sidewalk doesn’t brighten anyone’s day. And the fact that it will become smaller and browner by the end of the week doesn’t make anyone feel better about it.

Now, a gentleman doesn’t necessarily dig through and divide his own trash, nor does he necessarily scold the litterers among us. But he doesn’t make the world around him worse when the cost to himself is merely carrying his trash a few paces or a few blocks to the nearest can.

Good Luck,

The Gentlemen

Stiffing a Server?

Dear Gentlemen,

My family and I enjoy dining out and do so often.  After being in the service industry for many years I tend to be picky about the service I receive, especially when paying inflated prices at a higher end establishment. No matter what service my family encounters I seem to be able to justify and make excuses for the times we run into poor service and tip 20%.

What is the proper tip for the server who leaves you rubber necking all night looking for them to provide adequate attention to your table?

On Your Tip,

Mr. L

Dear Mr. L,

A gentleman has a high tolerance for poor service, because he understands that getting angry about things outside of his control is both impolite and ineffective. A gentleman never gets up from the table to do a server’s job or to physically get the server’s attention.
However, a gentleman does reward good service and leaves a gratuity based on performance. But he never leaves nothing. All gentlemen must have a tip floor so that he can reward good service and punish, within reason, poor service.
Everyone will have their own range based on where they live, how they were raised and whether or not they have ever worked as a server. The general tip floor is 15%, with decent service warranting 20%.

Gratuitously,
The Gentleman

Helping the Disabled

Dear Gentlemen,

The other day, I was standing on a street corner when a blind man walked up beside me. Given that he stopped for the light and didn't walk into traffic, I figured he knew what he was doing and didn't need any help. But a little old lady walking past yelled at me, "Sir! Sir! Help him! Help that man! He's blind! He's blind!"

Feeling both shamed that I hadn't helped someone in need and indignant that anyone would accuse me of being so ignorant, I turned to the man and asked if he needed a hand.

"Which way is uptown?" he asked. Instinctively, I pointed uptown. Correcting myself, I said, "Turn to your right. That's uptown". He thanked me and ambled off. 

In the aftermath of our exchange, I felt bad. I usually help anyone in need - strollers lifted up subway stairs, directions given, hair pulled back from puke - but when it comes to a disabled stranger, it's hard to know how much they need - or want - assistance. You don't want to see them struggle or suffer, but you also don't want to diminish their self-reliance and dignity. There's a blind woman on the 7 Train I see occasionally who, whenever someone attempts to help her, spits back, "Thanks, but I got this." Fair enough.

So the question is, when should you assist a disabled person and when should you leave them alone?

Regards,
Mike W., Queens, NY

Dear Mike,

Your gentlemanly instincts are sound on this one. When it comes to the disabled, you should help if they ask for it, and offer help if they seem to be struggling with something. Otherwise, hang back.

But when the time comes and you do offer help, try to be as unobtrusive about it as possible. A person who does need help may refuse it if they feel the person offering the help is putting on a show. And conspicuous heroism is not gentlemanly.

Best Wishes,
The Gentlemen

Ladies in the Mancave

Dear Gentlemen,

Although my detached garage is clearly marked "Man Cave," women do not hesitate to enter and help themselves to a brew or two. Although they are welcome, my question is: Should they be subject to the normal mancave rules?

Gentlemen of course just know the rules, but just in case a lady decides to stick it out after a few cigars are lit, I want to know what is expected of me as a gentleman.

Best Regards,
KC Mancave

Dear Mr. Mancave,

I applaud your desire to keep Mancave Rules consistent, even among the women in your life who enter the cave. But let’s be honest, no woman will honor the rules of a mancave. You remind me of a early native American tribe debating what rules it should impose on the white man.

Instead of focusing on how you will behave around a woman in your Mancave, you need to focus instead on survival. If you want to keep your cave a place of masculine reprieve, you need to convince the invading force that there is nothing worth taking there. Make your reservation appear a barren land, desperate and unpleasant. Notice that stories about hunting are cold and wet and pre-dawn and generally miserable and only men do it; whereas golf is beautiful and pleasant. And now everyone plays golf.

To answer your question, a gentleman is considerate of women in nearly every scenario. And so women do not have to follow mancave rules, or even put up with standard mancave behavior. But they shouldn't be invited, either. And it's less controversial and more gentlemenly if the cave itself does the uninviting. So keep your cave properly Spartan, unpleasant and masculine. Then, a proper lady will allow you and your brothers a place to be men – while she enjoys some time without you, and your “rules.”

Judiciously,

The Gentlemen

Sincerely and Sundry Salutations

Dear Sirs,

I need help with ending a letter. Sincerely is lame. Can you please give me you top 10 favorites?

Sincerely,

JWW

Dear JWW,
Ten salutations would be a little flamboyant. The goal of a salutation in a gentleman’s letter is to wrap up his sentiments with a brief, respectful statement of good feeling. The two that seem to be the simplest, most effective salutations in daily correspondence are, in our opinion “Best,” and “Regards.”

“Best” is the warmer, and less formal of the two. It’s for expressions gratitude, when you’re asking for something, or when writing to a woman with whom you’re not romantically involved. If you want to make it a little sweeter, yet more formal, try the classic “Best Wishes,” or the warm-yet-formal conversation ender “All the Best.”

“Regards” is a nice sentiment to close out a business correspondence. It’s nice, but not too nice. It goes well with veiled ultimatums and works in situations where your recipient’s intentions are unclear. If you want to warm it up a bit, you can always ratchet up the warmth and/or menace with “Warm Regards.”

But those are just a few that you can always rely upon. And don’t be afraid to be creative should the situation allow it.

Authoritatively,

The Gentlemen

Driving a Wimpy Car

Dear Gentlemen,

I have a problem I don't know how to deal with.  I drive a Camaro, but my girlfriend drives a Prius, which I've got no problem with. But whenever we go anywhere she insists we take her car to help save the earth.  What am I supposed to do?  Is the environment really more important than laying some serious rubber?

Sincerely,
Prius in My Pants, Northridge, CA

Dear Prius in My Pants,

A gentleman is a gentleman based on how he comports himself through life’s many travails, not on what he wears or drives.

That said, is your ladyfriend such an environmentalist that she hasn’t driven in the Camaro? If not, find some excuse for her to climb inside and feel the thrum and hear the growl of its 3.6 liter engine. Take her out on the highway and let her feel the power of the Camaro’s 323 horsepower engine. If that doesn’t soften her hard, green heart, you may be in trouble.

While it is hard to leave your sweet ride in the lot and tool around in the relatively emasculating Prius, it is a negotiation, like much of a relationship. You could propose that she choose the restaurant but you choose the car you take, or that you choose the movie but she choose the car you drive to it. Negotiate in good faith and keep your head high while you drive her shriveled nub of a car.

Hopefully,

The Gentleman

Is Wine a Good Dinner Party Gift?

Dear Gentlemen,

My wife and I go to cocktail parties all the time and are on the hunt for the perfect ($20) gift. Wine is a lame gift because lame people usually bring wine. Unless you know a lot about wine, I do not, most of the time the bottle gets thrown in with the other 12 bottles and the host has no memory of who gave them which vintage. Am I over thinking the wine thing? I like wine, good wine from wine snob friends, but I'm thinking something more original is in order. Please Help!

Sorry to Whine,

JW

Dear JW,

A true gentleman gives a gift to be helpful and, if possible, entertaining. Therefore, the secret to a good dinner party gift is to know the host (hostess is more likely) and to bring something that will enhance the hard work they put into the party.

A bottle of wine is a great gift if the host is short on cash—or if he asks you to bring wine. But if the host is providing wine already, then a bottle of wine may suggest that you do not appreciate what they are offering you. So if you do show up with wine, and the host has wine already, make sure you mention that this is a gift for a later date.

Now we are not a style guide, but here are a few gift ideas and why they are proper gifts: For the hostess who has it all, stop at an antique store and get a tiny table decoration like a vase or a salt bowl with a spoon. Women love tiny things—no one knows why. And for the man who has it all, go with the remote control helicopter ($25) because you can never have too many remote control helicopters. Fancy brown liquor is always fun, but gets expensive quick.

Whatever you give, make sure to give it with sincere thanks and without apology. 

Gratuitously,

The Gentlemen

On Love and Flatulence

Dear Sir,

At what point in a relationship is it okay to fart or belch in the company of your partner?

Yours,
Gassy in Tallahassee

Dear Gassy,

One of the chief joys of intimacy for a gentleman is that it affords him the opportunity to let his guard down and relax. And sometimes, when a gentleman relaxes, he will release gas in a semi-voluntary manner.

When a man reaches that point of relaxation varies, depending on the relationship and the woman. So start small, with a belch, in private, after the evening’s festivities have concluded. Gauge her reaction and take it from there.

But be warned, like any pleasure, one can go to extremes. And a gentleman’s dubious tendency to celebrate such events, or to direct them mischievously toward a loved one should be done in moderation.

A gentleman must also remain mindful of the risks of cavalier behavior towards his own bodily discharges. By openly belching or farting, a gentleman may encourage his paramour to do the same, which can have an unfortunate effect on their attractiveness.

Redolently,

The Gentlemen

My Eyes Are up Here

Dear Sir,
How does one pursue a relationship with a girl who was originally a booty text?

Cordially,
Mr. Second Night Stand

Dear Mr. Second Night,

There was once a song in which the male singer pled for information as to how one might make two lovers out of friends. But here in the third millennium, you are asking the opposite. This is more relationship advice than advice on gentlemanly behavior. But wading into deep water is often asked of a gentleman, so here goes.

It’s understandable in this age of cell phones, emails, shortened messages and general dehumanization that you may have forgotten how to have a relationship with a woman. So let's just go over the basics quick. First, when a gentleman is with a woman, he treats her like she is the only woman in his life. Second, a gentleman talks to the woman in his life. Face-to-face is best, then over the phone and lastly by electronic communication, which offers the greatest amount of risks and the shallowest and most-fleeting satisfactions.

So moving on from the booty text starts with a relatively sober face-to-face conversation. See her in the daylight, in a situation where sexual congress is unlikely. Do as ladies have done for centuries, and stalemate your mutual lust long enough that she must engage you intellectually, and possibly learn to like and trust you. The traditional courtship rituals are an obvious and underused tactic to achieve this end. So try a real date, with flowers, going someplace she wants to go, and not getting too drunk.

The final piece of advice for the date is that you don't make your lady feel bad about herself. I don't know your lady friend, but it is often the case that the booty text doesn’t raise her opinion of herself or of you. So know that you’re starting in the hole. And step up your efforts at enjoyable conversation and mutual understanding accordingly.

Sincerely,

The Gentlemen

To Dear or Not to Dear

Dear Gentlemen,

Do we really need to be using "Dear..." as a salutation to begin our emails/letters these days?

Ever Yours,
Nicholas

Dear Nicholas,

The salutation “Dear,” while costing the author a mere four letters, shows the recipient goodwill and gives them a reason to read what you have to say.

Like many forms of basic courtesy, “Dear” has fallen on hard times in recent decades. The thinking has been that such formality inhibits our ability to express ourselves wholly and honestly. But has our discourse really become less disingenuous or increasingly clear as a result? The simple dignity of the “Dear” has in many cases become rare enough to have become a more meaningful gesture than ever before.

But to go back to your question of whether you need to use the salutation—the answer is no. Read your own emails. Do you need to write in complete sentences? Do you need to correctly spell, or use, any polysyllabic word you employ? And to continue on to the heart of your question: Do you need to be a gentleman?

Good Luck,
The Gentlemen

When a Friend Becomes an Obligation

Dear Gentlemen,
Does a gentleman continue to be friends with another man that is a train wreck?  You know, one week he's depressed.  The next, he's in love ("this time, it's real").  I'm sick of his shit dominating my lunch hour.

Sincerely,

Exasperated in Albuquerque

Dear Exasperated,

Friendship is a voluntary institution. And while we each owe a kind of debt to our friends, and vice versa, sometimes the balance gets so skewed that friendship feels more like an obligation. That can become an especially onerous obligation in the absence of interesting, lively conversation, or free drinks.

In that instance, sometimes it makes sense to address the trainwreck directly. But that can result in another lengthy recapitulation of the trainwreck’s many confusions and persecutions. There is such a thing as a hopeless case.

Other times, a gentleman may choose to slowly and politely withdraw his attention from the trainwreck. Being “too busy” for a week or two of lunches may be enough to let the trainwreck know that he needs to listen as well as talk, to ask as well as tell, to be, in short, more of a gentleman, and a better friend. 

Warm Regards,

The Gentlemen

You Can't Say That at Work

Dear Gentlemen,

Here is a question I struggle with and I'm sure others do as well. Where should gentlemen draw the line with the use of profanity in the workplace? Should I keep the sewer-mouthed comments contained to "the boys" in the office or is it okay to toss out the occasional ill-mannered grunt of profanity in front of some select women? And whatever the answer, can we remain gentleman in the eyes of others even while dropping the occasional fuck, shit, crap, motherfucker, bitch, cunt, dumbass, fuck-nuts, dipshit, etc?

Thanks for the help
Corp Ho, Boston, MA

Dear Corp Ho,

Despite the boundless affirmations in the English language, we often find each other most endearing when we slip the occasional fuckwad in to an otherwise innocuous conversation. The basest of our words are what remind others that we are in fact human beings and not corporate drones. However, the use of such language in the workplace can be, at times, inappropriate.

Among men, the tradition of filthy interjections at work is best reserved for private moments or quiet asides among colleagues you consider friends. Always let your boss toss out the first fucker, and, as a general rule, don't take the language drastically beyond the boss.

Women bring an additional layer of complexity to foul language due to the sexual nature of so many words considered inappropriate. That said, it just makes it that much more hilarious to say something particularly gross to a friendly female colleague.

Of course if you are a sailor or a lawyer, fuck it, say whatever you want.

Linguistically Yours,
The Gentlemen

In the Out Door

Dear Gentlemen,
As an aspiring gentlemen, there are some questions that still keep me up at night. One question in particular has been spinning in my head for about a year now. In a modern-day heterosexual relationship, is it okay for a gentleman to have his rectum penetrated by his lady friend or a toy of his lady friend's choosing? And if yes, how does a gentlemen approach a lady on such matters?

Any advice you give will be most appreciated.

Thank You,

Polking in Poughkeepsie

Dear Mr. Poughkeepsie,

As a gentleman, it is your right to pursue just about every unique notion that arises between you and your consensual partner. What distinguishes a gentleman is that he abides by one of the primordial commandments of the gentleman, which goes back to the Pyramids, which is: Keep It to Yourself. The only fetish that a gentleman may not indulge in is exhibitionism.  

As for the second part of your question, I can only advise that you broach the topic directly. Don’t back into it.

Regards,

The Gentlemen

Arguing Politics with Pretty Women

Dear Gentlemen,

As much as a gentleman tries to avoid the topic, it is inevitable that in any prolonged amount of time spent with a lady, the subject of politics will come up in conversation. While it is true that there is much that can be gained from a discussion along these lines, it all too often seems that ladies hold fervently to certain hard lines that contradict my own opinions. If I stick to my guns and try to explain my perspective on these topics it usually winds up in disaster: The lady feels alienated and I'm left with nothing more to look forward to than another cold and lonely night.

Is it essential for a gentleman to find a lady whose politics resemble his own? How important is it for a gentleman to stand up for his own political beliefs when what he really wants is the soothing caresses of feminine companionship? Should a gentleman dissemble in his quest for amatory satisfaction?

Sincerely,
Filibustered in Brooklyn

Dear Filibustered,

What you’ve described is one of the greater challenges a gentleman faces, which is how to get along and get what he desires in the face of powerful disagreements.

The world is full of men and women who love each other despite political differences. Some avoid the subject of politics and agree to disagree. Others argue regularly, and see those arguments as another aspect of the eternal thrust-and-parry of their relationship. So you don’t necessarily need to find a woman with compatible views.

As for lying about your politics—if you lied to a woman to receive her favor, you wouldn’t be the first. There are situations in which desire will overturn integrity. And in an evening’s debauchery, there is room for subterfuge.

But be warned: Once you get into the habit of lying to women, it can be a hard habit to break. It ultimately degrades you and her and makes real intimacy that much harder.

You have to decide how important your political beliefs are and how important the woman is to you. If both matter, then I advise that you patiently and dispassionately explain your position to her. But do so without recourse to popular mottoes or slogans. Argue by specific issues, the problems they present and different possible solutions. Don’t get too broad and don’t break the discussion down by politicians or by party platforms. Seek out common ground wherever possible. It’s hard, but if she’s worth it and your beliefs are worth it, then you have no other choice.

Regards,
The Gentlemen