Kids Without Marriage?

Dear Gentlemen,

Is it wrong of me to want to engage in some kind of Limited-Term Marriage arrangement that would allow me to be a father, but not have to be tied to the same woman for the rest of my life?

I'm really not a big fan of marriage, but I'd love to be a father. I just feel like the traditional notion of "marriage" has completely broken down to the point where it's unrealistic for most people like me. I simply cannot conceive of being married to the same person for the rest of my life. Are there any options for me?

Sincerely,

Gianni Appleseed, Indiana

Dear Mr. Appleseed,

Marriage is the most gentlemanly way to engage in fatherhood. It clearly assures the whole family that all members are committed to each other and will be there for each other forever. That, far more than society’s expectations, is the reason to do it.

But these days, families come in all shapes and sizes and there is nothing inherently wrong with choosing to create a family without the traditional marriage bonds. And certainly strong, nurturing families can offer their members that assurance without a marriage license.

The hard part, for you, is finding a woman that would go along with the limited-term marriage idea at the outset. To be fair and gentlemanly, the arrangement would require clear and agreed-upon expectations and obligations. What if one parent wants to move? What if your baby mamma wants a new baby daddy? And the big one: Where’s the money?

Fatherhood is not a limited-term arrangement and a gentleman should strive to be there every step of the way. It would be sad to end up paying child support and living 1,500 miles away from your kid because you imagine that in 15 years you’ll need some diversity of companionship. A father who doesn’t want to be tied down, and who prizes his freedom, is known by many names. But a good father is rarely one of them.

The issue here isn’t marriage. It isn’t the divorce rate. And it isn’t society. It’s that you haven’t felt the kind of affection for the woman in question that would make you want to stay with her and make the sacrifices necessary to be a father. And if you don’t want to do it, then you probably shouldn’t.

But hey, if you want to try the limited-term marriage, there probably is a woman out there willing to do anything to have a baby – and isn’t that just the type of woman you want to be the mother of your children?

Good Luck and Don’t Be a Crappy Dad,
The Gentlemen