Telling a Friend His Girlfriend is Evil

Dear Gentlemen,

My question is kind of complex: I have a friend who has been dating a girl who is married, meaning, to me at least, she’s not the most honest person.

About six months ago, she claimed she had terminal cancer and was going to die soon. It’s six months later and she’s still alive and perfectly healthy. If I tell my friend about my doubts, and I’m mistaken, I may lose a friend. Do I just wait and see if she’s alive in another six months? If she is, I can already imagine her claiming it was a miracle. The whole thing is sickening. Should I keep my mouth shut?

Sincerely,
Disgusted in Denver

Dear Disgusted,

You raise a question that has plagued gentlemen for millennia. What is a gentleman to do when one of his friends is romantically entangled with a woman who is morally bankrupt, truly insane or simply evil? What is he obligated to say, and when is he obligated to say it?

To address this question, the gentlemen of old have a rule, which says: A gentleman may not criticize his friend’s house, his car or his woman without consequences. And that old rule is a good place to start. And it's a good place to end in most situations.

But lying about terminal cancer to your boyfriend is one of the big bad lies that shouldn’t be tolerated by any of us. It’s right up there with her lying that she’s having, or has had, one of his children. It’s a capital offense.

So, in situations as extreme as the one you mention, it makes sense to start looking at exceptions to the old gentlemen's rule. And the exception is not in what you say, but rather in how you say it. Unless your friend is hopelessly smitten or genuinely stupid, he has likely entertained some of the same suspicions as you. If he's either of those, then there is nothing you can do to change his mind. So don't try.

In your case, our advice is to never accuse the woman. But politely ask your friend, in conversation, about the situations. What were the girlfriend's options in terms of chemo, radiation or surgery? Which did she choose, and why? How often is he taking her to the hospital? If he has clear answers that make sense, then maybe she’s just dealing with her treatment very positively.

If your friend’s answers don’t add up, mention the specific inconsistencies, but never accuse the girlfriend of lying. Keep your blood cold and stick with a conversational tone. Say that’s odd—I never heard of that treatment before. Be insistent, yet dispassionate. Say, when my aunt had a similar ailment, the doctor did something very different. Be curious, helpful, but don't let him change the subject. Say, should she be drinking so much with all the medication she must be on? What’s important is that you don’t ever say that she’s playing your friend for a fool, or even insinuate it. If she's lying, your friend should come to that conclusion on his own.

By restraining your urge to expose the liar in question, you can help your friend without getting on one side of an argument that you don’t belong in. And you won’t be the messenger who is, traditionally, shot.

Sneakily,
The Gentlemen