Helping the Disabled

Dear Gentlemen,

The other day, I was standing on a street corner when a blind man walked up beside me. Given that he stopped for the light and didn't walk into traffic, I figured he knew what he was doing and didn't need any help. But a little old lady walking past yelled at me, "Sir! Sir! Help him! Help that man! He's blind! He's blind!"

Feeling both shamed that I hadn't helped someone in need and indignant that anyone would accuse me of being so ignorant, I turned to the man and asked if he needed a hand.

"Which way is uptown?" he asked. Instinctively, I pointed uptown. Correcting myself, I said, "Turn to your right. That's uptown". He thanked me and ambled off. 

In the aftermath of our exchange, I felt bad. I usually help anyone in need - strollers lifted up subway stairs, directions given, hair pulled back from puke - but when it comes to a disabled stranger, it's hard to know how much they need - or want - assistance. You don't want to see them struggle or suffer, but you also don't want to diminish their self-reliance and dignity. There's a blind woman on the 7 Train I see occasionally who, whenever someone attempts to help her, spits back, "Thanks, but I got this." Fair enough.

So the question is, when should you assist a disabled person and when should you leave them alone?

Regards,
Mike W., Queens, NY

Dear Mike,

Your gentlemanly instincts are sound on this one. When it comes to the disabled, you should help if they ask for it, and offer help if they seem to be struggling with something. Otherwise, hang back.

But when the time comes and you do offer help, try to be as unobtrusive about it as possible. A person who does need help may refuse it if they feel the person offering the help is putting on a show. And conspicuous heroism is not gentlemanly.

Best Wishes,
The Gentlemen