Dear Gentlemen, As you are the foremost authority on such topics, I request your admonition. My fiancée insists we spend time with her friends (and their husbands/boyfriends), rather than my mix of cohorts. Her friends are tolerable, but their male counterparts seem to be complete d-bags. [sidebar: does a gentlemen use that term?]
Knowing that relationships are a steadfast negotiation, how do I sway her choice of entertainment over to my side? Is there a gentlemanly way of letting her know that time with her friends' lovers is killing me from the inside? Does honesty trump hurting her feelings by educating her on the lameness of these so called men?
Appreciatively,
Stuck with Sucks
Dear Stuck,
Your situation can often be a difficult one to navigate,
especially early in a relationship. The notion that your friends are yours, and
that she need not heartily approve of them, and vice versa, can be a hard sell.
Double dating only makes that conundrum more difficult. When
a woman and her friend get started talking, good luck entering the
conversation. They have years of things to hash out, and you’re stuck on a date
with someone you may very well not like. And playing nice for an entire evening
with someone you disdain is among the more soul-eating experiences polite
society has to offer.
The fact is that you must do something, and now. If you
don’t, the chances of you behaving with inappropriate aggression toward the
d-bag in question increase. And that's strictly a last-resort course of action. Also, not saying anything increases the odds of you taking out your frustration on your betrothed for yet
another miserable evening spent in the company of an insufferable retch. [sidebar:
A gentlemen may use that term among other gentlemen.]
As you know, relationships are a constant negotiation.
You have to let your fiancée know how you feel about the d-bag in question. Let
her know how grievously his company pains you. Exaggerate and be noisy about it,
so that she will better understand your pain.
If she can’t handle your feelings about her friend’s
boyfriend or husband, then you’re in for some trouble down the line. The waters
get rougher. But if she does take offense at your characterization of this
sleazy dullard, just remind her that you really like her friend, and that many
great and intelligent women have been cursed with bad luck or bad decision-making
when it comes to men. If she is still upset, then inform her that she should be
flattered that you’re not some mindless golden retriever who loves everyone he
meets. Rather, you’re a discerning gentleman, who weighs and considers all
things, who decides that some people are not worth his time, and that you have
decided that your fiancée is indeed worth the vast majority of the rest of your
life on earth.
But we digress. By being clear, loud and even obnoxious about
what a foul zero the d-bag in question is, you accomplish three important things.
First, you are encouraging her to see Mrs. D-Bag on a one-on-one basis more
often. Second, you have more leverage when calling an end to the double date,
as your betrothed will be filled with anxiety that you might let slip the fact
that you loathe the man across the table from you. Third, each time you have to
have dinner or drinks with the D-Bags, you will have won some bargaining power
for whatever debates arise in the next few days. It will be small and short-lived
bargaining power, but it’s better than nothing, which is what being silent
seems to be winning for you.
In time, you and your wife-to-be will find couples whose company you enjoy together. Imagine a Venn diagram. It won’t be all of your friends or all of hers. Hopefully it will be somewhere in the middle, unless her friends really have terrible taste. Then, hopefully it will skew heavily toward your friends and their ladies.
Loudly and Clearly,
The Gentlemen
P.S. WARNING! Do not apply the above advice to the trial of spending time with her family.
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