Politely Declining to Receive the Word

Dear Gentlemen,
I live in the tropical, Central American country of Belize. Here in Belize we have many different racial and religious groups. The most rapidly growing religious group is the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The Witnesses walk about the village every day of the week "spreading the word." My question I have to ask you is, what is the gentlemanly thing to do when they come knocking on your door and you would rather not be preached to?

Thanks,
Racso Ttocs

Dear Racso,

There are few things as tedious as being proselytized to. But there are few things that people hold so dear as their religion. Missionaries will use your politeness as their beachhead. You don’t want to be rude, but you probably don’t want to get into it with them. If a simple but firm, "No thank you," does not immediately send the proselytizers the other way, you'll quickly have to switch to tougher methods.

One way to deal with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Seventh-Day Adventists or Pentecostals is to say that you belong to another equally marginal and virulent cult. For instance, tell a Jehovah’s Witnesses that you’re a Mormon, and vice versa. That will usually back them off.

Missionaries are all trained to deal with lapsed Catholics and angry atheists, but will usually back off from a member of an obscure and aggressive group. If they press, make up a tale about the brutal persecution your family faced for being practicing Eleventh-Day Pentecostal Resurrectionists in the Anabaptist  territories of Minnesota, then flash some anger and wish them a good day.

Deviously,

The Gentlemen