A Gentleman Is Never a Soulless Drone

Dear Gentlemen,
I feel like I am a soulless drone being forced through a meaningless life. I make $65,000 working in an office where we produce something related to the financial industry. Whatever. Any advice?

Forlorn in Frankfort

Dear Forlorn,
Your whining disgusts us. Gentlemen don't whine. Not ever.

You are an adult, earn an adult wage, and are responsible for your own happiness. Mommy and daddy can't help you anymore. That means whining is out too.

As gentlemen say among other gentlemen: You have to do whatever you need to do to keep your dick up. That, more than your office-related mumbling and shuffling, is your real job.

Stay interested. If that means collecting butterflies, or dressing up in leather, or trying out for the Philadelphia Eagles, then do it. Find it and chase it hard. Meaning in life is something that you create through effort, not something handed to you by the guidance counselor you imagine runs the universe.

In sum: Suck it up and hop to it.

Not With a Whimper But a Bang,
The Gentlemen

Flirting On Business Trips

Dear Gentlemen,
I am a newly married man who, because of his work, often finds himself alone in social situations with flirtatious women. My general tendency after years of bachelorhood is to flirt back, even when I mean nothing by it. But it's easy to see how such flirting could get me into trouble. I realize I have to draw a line, but where? In a casual office conversation? Should I skip after-work drinks? Should I simply be more reserved? Your advice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sanford, Stamford

Dear Sanford,
Don't be a flirt. Don't let anyone get the idea that you would have sex with anyone but your wife. It is thrilling to know that you still have it - that women want you. But ultimately it makes you look like you do not take your vows seriously, that you are dishonest and that you are sort of a joke.

But be friendly. I never trust anyone too serious or too extroverted. You just have to lay off the flirty behavior. Don't talk about sex or making out. Don't touch her back as you politely pull out a chair. Keep your chivalrous distance. You can get after-work drinks with a group, but avoid socializing that seems anything like a date.

The truth is that you know when you are crossing the line, but you love the rush of being loved. Everyone does, but a gentleman lives with the love that he married.

Earnestly,
The Gentlemen

Gentleman, Neighbor

Dear Gentlemen,

I have lived in Brooklyn for many years. I have a new neighbor, a rich white girl, who complains about the noise I make. Not only do I not give a shit, I think anyone who lives in Brooklyn is obligated to not care about noise. If you want peace and quiet, then move to the entire rest of the country.

Can I tell this bunched up bitch to move to Jersey or do I have to stop listening to music after midnight?

Annoyed,

J. in Brooklyn

Dear J.,

Many gentlemen live in Brooklyn. So do many children, parents, elderly people and working people who don’t want to hear your music, especially through the walls of their homes throughout the night. It’s a wonderful place, but not a free-fire zone for inconsiderate behavior.

Being neighborly will enrich your life in unforeseen ways. Midnight is a fair compromise. Consider headphones.

Thoughtfully,

The Gentlemen

Deflowering a Virgin in the Third Millennium

Dear Gentlemen, I recently started dating a girl. I am in my late 20’s and she is in her early 20’s. She is a fine girl, but she is a virgin. I don't really want to be her one and only. I also don't feel that qualified to be her coach. I am pretty sure she is not waiting for religious or moral reasons. It just has not happened.

What should I do? And should I feel bad about it? Is it irrational for me to think having a girl with only one sexual partner is somehow a negative thing?

Regards,
Conner, Hyannis MA

Dear Conner,

You’re not wrong to feel as you do. Taking a girl’s virginity means, on a primordial, preverbal level, taking some responsibility for her. And today’s permissive sexual environment actually has the strange effect of magnifying that sense.

But take a step back and think about the girl. As awkward and daunting as it is for you, it is likely much moreso for her. From how you describe her, she probably wants to get it over with and negate it as an issue.

And I wouldn’t worry about being her “one and only.” First, it’s not that century. Second, there’s a good chance that it won’t be exactly a mind-blowing experience. So go into it with a clear conscience, be patient and have some fun. It beats being with a girl with some dude's name scrawled on her body.

Tenderly,

The Gentlemen

How a Gentleman Turns Down a Hired Lady

Dear Gentlemen,

I was out drinking with a friend of mine the other night. We are both in our 20s and single. After a good night of drinking my buddy declared, "I'm buying you a girl! It's gonna be great."

So we went back to his high rise apartment in the city and he called an escort service and had two girls come over. He chose the better looking girl and went into his bedroom and left me and a tired looking Russian woman in his living room.

How should I have proceeded?

Expectantly, NYC

Dear Expectantly,

As a gentleman gets older, he can list an increasing number of things that once seemed like a great idea, but now just smell wrong. This sounds like one of them.

There are a lot of reasons to turn down a prostitute, even a free one. There’s the possibility of disease, legal risks, the diminishment of her dignity, the diminishment of your dignity, the chance someone will find out, and the psychological warping that can occur from associating money too closely with sexual release. There’s also the danger that you not like the look or the smell of that particular hooker.

So unless you need to sleep with the hooker as some part of a business negotiation or diplomatic mission, then feel free to walk away. Just because your friend is feeling generous doesn’t mean you have to play along to quite that extent. Pat your prostitute on the derriere and send her in to work with her colleague on your friend, and call it a night.

With Restraint,

The Gentlemen

When a Gentleman's Blog Flags

Dear Gentlemen,
I'm a blogger and lately I've been slacking off on posting to my blog. It's been, like, a week since I put anything up. Should I feel bad? Am I letting my loyal readers down? Or in this information age of virtual reality and no consequences "human" interaction should I feel justified flaking out?

The second part of my question is this: Is it gentlemanly to blog at all? Does a gentleman subject his fellow members of society to yet another trite and biased information stream?

Sincerely,
Building a Blog Cabin in Bloomington 

Dear Mr. Bloomington,

We will take the last part of your question first, as it relates to the first. Blogging would seem, at first blush, to contradict the ancient gentleman’s dictum to Keep it to yourself. And if one surveys the blogosphere, it is populated by fewer gentlemen than the other sort of fellow.

But if a gentleman has specialized knowledge to impart in the fields of hunting, fishing, or even say ethics and etiquette, then he is doing his fellow man a favor by generously sharing that wisdom, and should be applauded, even paid handsomely (certainly his sponsors should be clicked on and patronized). The medium he chooses could be a fiery speech, a leather-bound tome or a blog. The medium matters little.

Now, assuming that you are enriching your readers with your blog, you should not abandon them. But if your interest has waned, then you may need to pause, take a few days or a week off and refocus yourself. The most common sin of the blogger, tweeter, television talking head or button-holing party bore is to speak incessantly without taking the time to contemplate or learn more than he already knows.

Every field must lay fallow once in a while if it is to produce anything of value.

Connectedly,
The Gentlemen

How a Gentleman Murders a Pet

Dear Gentlemen,
The family cat has become a burden. It pees in my closet. The time has come to end the relationship. The kids love the cat. My wife likes the cat. But I can't occasionally go to work smelling like cat urine. I'm ready to do the deed, but I figured a little advice from pros like you might help me avoid a major catastrophe.

Can I kill the family cat and tell my family that it just ran away and they shouldn't leave the back door open?

Kindly Yours,
Mike, CT

Dear Mike,

Your eagerness to murder the family cat is something that could probably bear introspection. There are other ways to keep a cat out of a closet.

But should you discover no better option, then you must take every necessary step to conceal your actions. Do not tip your hand to your family, before or after. Choose a propitious moment. Take the morning off work if you must. Then take the cat to the vet and pay cash for the services. Cover your tracks and stick to your breezily delivered conjecture: The cat ran away.

Killing a cat is generally not considered a gentlemanly thing to do. But killing a cat poorly and obviously is (as you may or may not soon learn) inexcusable.

Regards,
The Gentlemen

Caught in flagrante delicto with himself?

Dear Gentlemen,
How does a gentleman respond when he is caught in flagrante delicto with himself?
Sincerely,
Onanistic in Oregon

Dear Onanistic,
You gotta own it. Creeps and perverts are shy introverts who run from any confrontation with their desires. Gentlemen occasionally wank it. No big deal.

Certainly it is best to plan ahead so you don't get caught at say work, or your parents' bedroom or somewhere a child might find you. But, otherwise, be a man: admit you do it. And, if appropriate, ask whoever caught you to help you finish.

Climaxingly,
The Gentlemen

How Do I Turn Down Cash Gifts from In-Laws?

Dear Gentlemen,
I recently spent the weekend with my mother-in-law and despite the fact that I have good job and support our family with 3 kids she gave us gas money. I own my own home and drive a new SUV. My wife gladly just sticks the money in her pocket and waves good bye. It makes me feel like a spare changer.

How can I turn down gifts of cash from my mother-in-law?

Spent, Kansas City, MO

Dear Mr. Spent,
There are gifts in the world that you have to accept and their are gifts you can refuse. Unfortunately it is your relationship to the giver of the gift and not the gift itself that determines what is proper manners.

Money gifts often cause undue tribulation. Some people like to give gifts, would you rather have a gift card or, God forbid, an actual gift of a sweater or candle or something? If you were asking what to give to your son-in-law I would suggest cash is a fine gift.

But you aren't. And you have some issue with looking like a real adult, so if you must turn down the cash gift, you can. You just have to be upfront and clear. You can even take preventative action and declare that you will no longer be accepting cash gifts. However, whenever you take something away from an in-law/grandparent you need to give them another way to express their love. Tell them that of course they can put money into the kids' college fund.

You can't turn down a gift for your kids, no matter what it is.

As far as your wife putting the money quickly in her pocket, that sounds like a whole different problem. You should write back in with that one.

Cash Gifts Accepted,
The Gentlemen

Giving Mothers' Day Gifts

Dear Gentlemen,

Should I get the mother of my children or my own mother the more valuable/nicer gift for Mothers' Day?

Sincerely,

Humbled by Holidays

Dear Humbled,

The mother of your children. First, you probably live with her. Second, it’s a newer, more exciting thing for her. Third, she’s more likely to be in the heavy lifting part of motherhood, and thus deserving of the better present. Fourth, any mother worth her salt will know that the love, decency and consideration you show your wife or girlfriend is a direct reflection of how well she raised you.

That said, try to keep yourself out of a situation where your wife and your mother will be comparing gifts.

Best,

The Gentlemen

Where Friends Should Hang Out

Dear Gentlemen,
I have a friend I hang out with about once a week. He lives in a trendy part of town full of boutiques, restaurants, and nightclubs. I live 2.4 miles away in a quiet neighborhood known for its trees. My friend and I are at least ten years past the core demographic of his neighborhood, and when we hang out there, we are either listening to records at his house or chatting in the one bar we like. But despite not really using his neighborhood for anything that makes it a globally recognized epicenter of youth culture, somehow we're always there, and never at my place in my neighborhood. Our hangouts are geographically lopsided. It's not like it's easier for me to get to his than vice versa: the hassle is same either way, and since we're only 2.4 miles apart, it's not even that big a hassle (you could walk it in 45 minutes. The bus takes 20. Car service, 10). Yet, for reasons that seem more psychological than logistical, I'm at his house every week and he's at mine maybe twice a year.

Should hangouts between close pals be an even split of locale? How do I bring it up without seeming like a needy wuss? Many thanks for the guidance.

Respectfully,
Mike W. Queens, NY

Dear Mike,

Odds are that your friend has also noticed the discrepancy. He probably figures that you just like to get out of your neighborhood.

But a gentleman doesn’t make an issue out of something unless he absolutely must.

There isn’t much to discuss here. Rather, the next time you’re making plans, simply suggest that he meet you at yours. Have a plan to grill steaks or try a local bar. Something. Don’t make it about the dynamic if it’s really just a matter of habit.

If he resists the idea and tries to move things back to his area, then say you’re not in the mood for the hipster noise of the locale. Keep insisting and only make the nature of your friendship the issue if he does.

Directedly,

The Gentlemen

Can I Give Other Drivers the Finger?

Dear Gentlemen,
What really bugs me about other drivers is when they get angry. They honk or speed up and cut me off because they have some idea that I was being a jerk. Who knows. But I end up on the receiving end of some driving anger.

Is in inappropriate or ungentlemanly to give these guys the finger? I even want to give the finger to people I see who stop traffic to yell at other people. I know everyone thinks they are the only good and sane driver, but I just really want to tell some drivers they are assholes.

Thanks,
Itchy Finger, Easton, PA

Dear Mr. Finger,
A gentleman does not participate in road rage. It is a waste of energy.

However, you have touched on a grey area. You don't care about how a person drives, but how they react to the conditions on the road. Obviously you are hoping to carve out a space where you can both have the moral high ground and give someone the finger.

Generally, the rule must stand that a gentleman does not involve himself in road rage. But if you must give someone the finger, at least do it with a smile.

Pointedly,
The Gentlemen

Part of Marriage is Not Excusing a Fart?

Dear Gentlemen,
I am married with 2 small children. I have lived with my wife for 10 years. She has suddenly got it in her head that I need to say "excuse me" every time I pass gas. Do I have to do this?

Breaking Wind, Grand Rapids


Dear Mr. Wind,
Being married means living at close quarters. And the difference between close quarters being a cozy, enjoyable experience and being pure hell often comes down to common courtesy. Your wife is a lady and should be treated as such. Saying "excuse me" is no great abrogation of your patriarchal prerogatives. It costs you little, and will ultimately gain you much. Hell, go the extra yard and excuse yourself after belches too. She'll appreciate the consideration.

Politely,
The Gentlemen

Do These Awesome Muscles Make Me Look Gay?

Dear Gentlemen,
I live in the midwest where not all 30-year-old single men work out at a gym. I go to the gym right around the corner from my house. It is very convenient and I want to continue to use this gym. For awhile now, and this morning in particular, there is a group of gay men in the locker room that are seriously checking me out.

I think it is inappropriate. I don't like it. But I sort of feel like it is my fault, and that maybe I just think they are checking me out. Straight men have a strict code about looking at other men: You don't do it. Is it wrong that I think gay men should adhere to the same standard?

Also, I know I could go to a different gym, but in the midwest there is a good chance I would run into the same problem. And I don't think I should be the one that should have to change my behavior. If I was a woman and a group of guys was checking me out, I would complain to the manager, but as a man that seems a little weak and ungentlemanly. Complaining in general seems ungentlemanly.

Should I say something? Whom should I say it to? Should I just go to a new gym?

Thanks,
Leered At in MO


Dear Leered At,
It is an unfortunate circumstance when the most difficult corse of action is in fact the easiest thing to do. If you think some dude in your locker room is checking out your stuff in a lewd and prurient manner, you can tell him you don't appreciate the stare and would prefer a bit of privacy while you towel off and dress.

That said, it does not mean you won't be yelled at for being a homophobe, a bigot or bastard. And maybe you kind of are, I mean, would you care if a strange girl was lusting after your stuff? Probably not.

But a gentleman is honest and straightforward. Don't overplay your hand, admit you have no idea what he is looking at or what is on his mind, but that regardless, your life would be a little bit better if he stopped staring at you.

The less you say about the whole thing the less can be thrown back at you. And of course, if you have a really great body, people are probably going to stare. That's just the cost of being beautiful.

Out the Corner of Our Eye,
The Gentlemen

How to Say Hello to a Pornstar

Dear Gentlemen,
I recently found myself on a twelve-hour flight to the Middle East (I'm an international human rights lawyer) sitting next to a pornstar who I instantly recognized. She's famous for doing some unusually dirty things. And I am, in my own way, a fan. Or rather, I was.

What would have been the right way to introduce myself? Should I have mentioned that I recognized her, or feigned ignorance?

Hindsight May Help,
Dirty Thoughts in DC



Dear Hindsight,
Introducing yourself to the people sitting next to you on a plane is always a delicate affair. Speaking with a celebrity sitting next to you on a plane, tougher still. Meeting an attractive female celebrity sitting next to you on a plane can cause even the coolest gent to stumble. But saying hello to a beautiful, famous woman who just happens to be sitting next to you for 12 hours, and whom you have witnessed on the internet receiving a dirty sanchez, well that could cause a gentleman to ask for a new seat.

But don't fear, pornstars, like celebrities, are not better than you. Whenever you meet the person next to you on a plane you assume they do not want to talk to you. You begin with brief eye contact and a head nod. If that goes passably well you say hello. If the person next to you feels like talking then feel free to move onto the regular niceties.

Do not bring up that you have seen the person engage in graphic sexual acts. If they bring it up, simply acknowledge it with a head nod - the same way you would respond to Katy Perry telling you she was a singer.

Of course, if you fear that you are about to fall in love with a woman that has had unprotected sex with thousands of different men and women, you may just want to say "pornstar" out loud to make sure that you want to go through with it. If you still want to go through with it, try saying "double penetration." If that doesn't get it out of your system, think of your new relationship as saving a rich woman from the sex trade, and never ever make one of those videos where the husband watches.

Prudishly,
The Gentlemen

The Stoner You Kind of Know

Dear Gentlemen,
I recently attended my 10 year high school reunion and ran into a guy that I was not close friends with back in the day, but whom I liked and drank with on a few occasions. He knew I hung out with people who enjoyed their drugs, but we never did any drugs together. We both now have regular jobs and are married.

Anyway, this guy asked me if I had any stuff or knew whereto get any, which of course I did and I did. How is a gentleman to respond?

Sincerely,

Puzzled in Paducah

Dear Puzzled,

While there's nothing wrong with starting a new friendship over an illicit substance, a gentleman should occasionally ask himself the following question: Am I getting too old for this kind of thing?

The risk-reward scenario, while likely a non-factor in one’s youth, bears watching ten years out of high school. Here’s a guy you don’t really know, whose situation you’re only somewhat familiar with, asking you to produce something illegal. Now, 99% of the time, this situation is totally fine. But is it worth it for the 1% of times that it’s not?

Maybe the night is young, you're still a cool dude and the torpedoes be damned because life is short. Or maybe you can just wait to get high with people you know and trust.

Regards,
The Gentlemen

Exciting News from G3nt

G3nt will be scaling back its five-posts-per-week schedule over the next month while it prepares two new features.

#1: “A Gentleman Answers Women’s Questions”

Like most gentlemen before us, we at G3nt must occasionally give in to the vociferous and persistent demands of women. So we will begin taking questions from women. The new, regular “A Gentleman Answers Women’s Questions” feature will become a regular staple, and we hope that it helps alleviate the misunderstandings that often plague the interactions between men and women.

Women may post their questions anonymously on the site, or simply send them to g3ntadvice@gmail.com.

 

#2: “What a Gentleman May Wish to Purchase”

Based on the many questions we get about what a gentleman should buy, we will begin doing product reviews. So if you have any questions about what soap to wash with or what whiskey to drink, or anything along those lines, please post them anonymously on the site, or simply send them to g3ntadvice@gmail.com.

The answers will appear in a regular “What a Gentleman May Wish to Purchase” section. The questions can be as general or s specific as you please and we will answer them once and for all. And if any of you work for a company that produces products that gentlemen may wish to purchase, we cannot guarantee that free samples won’t result in an favorable unspoken bias toward your product.

Baby Shower Thank You Card?

Dear Gentlemen,

My buddy is having a baby and in some sort of annoying new twist on an old tradition I was invited to a baby shower. It was a great party hosted by his aunt, whom I know and like. Great food, lots to drink, I even bought the coming bundle of joy a small stuffed bird.

Great, fine, I don't love that men go to baby showers, but whatever. Now my girlfriend says I have to send the Aunt a thank you card? Is this as crazy and unnecessary as I believe it to be?

Gratuitously,
Marcos, KC

Dear Marcos,
Yes it is crazy.

Gentlemen don't send thank you cards for attending baby showers. Gentlemen do not even have to attend baby showers. In fact, we need to stand together on this new trend. We might go, but don't have to. We might take a gift, but we will not coo over them when they are opened. We might eat tiny crustless sandwiches, but we will not feel bad about eating all of them.

We will thank the host when we leave, but we will not send thank you cards.

Politely,
The Gentlemen

The Old Friend Lost to Mental Illness

Dear Gentlemen,
I have an old college friend who became severely schizophrenic several years ago. I haven't seen him in over a decade, but we have kept up a lively correspondence, first through the mail and now through email. I like this guy, we had some good times back in the day, but I must admit with some shame that I also encourage the relationship because I get a kick out of the crazy things he writes to me.

His life is full of paranoid delusions about covens of witches, cabals of ad executives, and computers with ESP. Now, however, he has begun to send me "articles" he has written that he wants me to pass onto my editors (I am a freelance journalist). They are as crazy as he is.

Sending them to my business contacts would tarnish those professional relationships, to say the least. So I don't forward them, but I tell my friend that I do. Am I doing wrong by misleading my already deluded buddy? Should I be more straightforward and just tell him to simmer down and take his medication regularly?

Regards,
Psycho in San Francisco





Dear Psycho,
Losing a friend to mental illness is a sad and confusing thing. On the one hand, you know that you can’t blame the friend, but on the other hand, you can’t condone their behavior, and on the other hand, you’re angry with your friend for not joining you on the difficult and sometimes exhilarating journey into adult life.

See, that’s already three hands. It’s confusing.

If you still want to be his friend, that means remaining honest. The thing that about people with mental illness that is often most painful is how aware they are of their disease and all it keeps them from. So don’t treat his mental illness like the elephant in the living room. Tell him that he may have some good points in the pieces he’s writing, but his craziness is ruining them, and keeping you from passing them to your editors.

Send him copies of the periodicals he wants to submit to, and ask him to write something more along those lines. Coach him through a few drafts for tone, style and journalistic rigor. It’ll be a chance to reconnect with an old friend, and may even be of some help to him.

Crazy people are exactly like sane people in that they’re crazier when they have nothing to do and nothing to shoot for.

Best,
The Gentlemen

The Many Mysteries of Gift Giving

Dear Gentlemen,
In the modern age of wedding planning and budgeting hell, is a gentleman still expected to provide his bride with a wedding day gift? After spending tens of thousands between the ring, wedding expenses, flights, and so on. I don't know if the bride is still expecting us to overload our credit cards with one more expensive item.

Regards,
Wedding Day Worries, WI


Dear Mr. Worries,

Wedding gift? No. You're marrying her. That's plenty.

That was easy. Now you're just on the hook for her birthday, your anniversary, Valentines Day, probably at least a fancy dinner on the anniversary of the day you met her, and your winter holiday of choice every year, presumably, for the rest of your life. And unlike gifts you might pick up for everyone else you know, you need to be thoughtful about those gifts.

But you’re fine on the wedding gift. Save your energy.

Regards,
The Gentlemen

Sharing Golf Carts with Strangers

Dear Gentlemen,
I'm just coming off a round o' golf and cursing the fact there is not a G3nt hotline (or is there..?) for instant advice on a particular predicament I was facing in my foursome. Our foursome was three of us friends and a random solo golfer we had been paired up with by the course. We had paid for carts and he was walking with his wheeled bag and obviously we had one space in the cart left... Should we have offered a spot in the cart or left him to his healthier regime? In hindsight I think we should have, but then again is it the gentlemanly thing to do to invite him to break course rules?

Respectfully,

Course Conundrum in Colorado



Dear Conundrum,
There is a reason Gentlemen are straightforward and honest, the alternative annoys everyone. You're wondering if this dude wants a ride; he's wondering if he should tell you he wants to walk; everyone is spending time thinking about a problem that isn't even a problem. Annoying.

That is why right off the bat you start with the question, "How are we going to do this? Are you walking or getting in?" It relieves the tension of the situation and let's everyone get on to the business of ruining a nice walk.

Now as far as golf course rules go, they are subsidiary to the rules of etiquette. It is one of the great things about golf. All the rules are essentially designed to create a gentlemanly environment and experience. Don't stand behind someone when they are putting, hitting - actually, just never stand behind another man. Perfect. If any course official has a problem, trump him with cordiality, and tell him you'd rather not be a jerk.

Officiously,
The Gentlemen

The Gentleman Who Is Sent Shopping

Dear Gentlemen,

I was recently sent to the store for cognac. I have never tasted cognac, nor did I know what cognac looked like, smelled like, tasted like. The liquor store had a dozen varieties, priced accordingly. Do you have any cognac recommendations? Barring that, or in addition, how should a gentleman choose a brand when confronted with a new liquor/product to buy?

Sincerely,

Confused in the Brown Liquor Aisle

 

Dear Confused,

When faced with shopping for an unfamiliar drink like cognac, port wine, anisette, or a highly fetishized but otherwise indistinguishable food item like sea salt, balsamic vinegar or olive oil, you need a plan.

The first step in a gentleman’s shopping plan is to find the most and least expensive versions of the item. Remove them from the equation. Then look at the labels, not what they say, but how they look. The experience of most liquors and foods relies heavily on how they are framed in the minds of the tasters. So put yourself in the mind of the person you’re shopping for, and the kinds of images and design with which they would identify. The whole process, to this point, should take exactly thirty-five seconds.

With those thirty-five seconds elapsed, make a sudden and irrevocable decision and head to the register. A gentleman does not spend all damn day on this sort of errand.

Decisively,
The Gentlemen

Smelling Like a Rose

Dear Gentleman,
My girlfriend likes to put weird scented oils on me before we do it. She is sort of a hippy and so she has candles and other gypsy accoutrement. Generally speaking, I always have a great time. It just bugs me a little bit that she gets out the patchouli. I shower regularly, and I don't think it's that I smell bad. I'm not sure what it is. I don't want to ruin the relationship or anything, but how can I tell her to give the incense a break? Should I just go with it? Do college girls grow out of this or can I expect to one day be the co-owner of a wiccan candle shop?

Best,

Bedazzled and Bepatchoulied, Boulder CO

Dear Bedazzled,

One glance around a department store perfume counter will affirm that the sense of smell seems to matter more to women. And if her scent preferences are getting on your nerves, then try moving your amorous locations to places where she doesn’t have access to her potions and powders. Mixing it up is a good way to get out of smelling like a Phish concert without putting the brakes on a good time.

If you must confront her about the patchouli, as gentlemen, we recommend you wait until the last possible moment, when the two of you are at the point of no return in the evening. Then say, something like “enough with your damn hippie oils, woman,” but in such a way that it sounds like the impatience of animal lust speaking, rather than a man who doesn’t want to smell like a collectivist candle shop.

Either way, you’ve asserted yourself, and that’s what a gentleman does.

Smelling of Victory,

The Gentlemen

She Buys Me Things

Dear Gentlemen,
I am in a relationship with a woman that I like but do not love. She is a corporate lawyer and makes a ton of money. I pretty much live at her place. She buys us great dinners and takes us out drinking. I'm a kept man. She gives me nice clothes. She bought me an expensive watch. How long can I keep this up without doing permanent damage to my soul?
Luxuriously Awaiting Your Reply, NYC

Dear Mr. Luxurious,
I don't know if you love this girl, like this girl, are indifferent or filled with a quiet hatred bordering on rage. What I do know, is that if you are asking when you have to end a relationship to avoid doing permanent damage to your soul, the answer is now.

People have been living less than their dream lives since Homer was writing about what the Greeks were doing outside the walls of Troy. Now you are playing the role of Helen wondering when your true love is going knock down your world and whisk you away. A gentleman does not wait for life to happen. He takes control of his life.

You have to end it. Be straight forward and honest. And if that doesn't work, blame her job.

Heroicly,
The Gentlemen

How to Drink Scotch

Dear Gentlemen,
I was recently given a few bottles of good quality scotch as a gift from my future father-in-law. To be clear, he is not a scotch drinker and they were cleaning out their liquor cabinet. I'm more of a cheap bourbon/Irish whiskey man. How does a gentleman drink scotch? Or, failing that, how does a gentleman give away scotch?

Afraid of Wincing,
Uncouth in Elmir

Dear Uncouth,
A gentleman knows his whiskey. He doesn't have to fetishize it, but he is familiar. This gift is an opportunity for you to learn a little about Scotch. There's a reason gentlemen like it. So give it a fair shot.

There are two basic types of Scotch, single malt and blended. The single malts are generally thought to be better and easier to drink. If you got a single malt (or single grain) then try it without ice first. Don't gulp, but roll it around in your mouth. Finish a small pour for a half hour while listening to some good music, and poring over a book of maps. Blends you can go strait for the ice bucket, the water or the soda, hell, maybe even mix up a Rob Roy.

There is too much information in the world about Scotch, but it is still good to take a look at the wikipedia page and familiarize yourself with what all the talk is about.

Scotch is a great gift. You can always give a guy a bottle of Scotch. You don't even need to wrap it. Just send it to G3nt Headquarters, 471 Grand Street, No. 2, Brooklyn, NY 11211. We'll make sure it falls into the hands of a deserving gentleman.

Highlandedly,
The Gentlemen

Who Gets the Coffee Table?

Dear Gentlemen,
I recently broke up with a long-term, live-in girlfriend. What is the gentlemanly way to divvy up our stuff?

Breaking Bad, Boston

Dear Mr. Bad,
Traditionally a gentleman gives all things to his parting lady and counts his freedom as worth the cost. He keeps his dignity. However, times change. So take your computer.

A gentleman should be straightforward and honest about what he wants, but open to negotiation. Don't be a jerk about stuff that can be replaced.

The only flaw with this approach is that you may end up back in the failing relationship because you are too nice and it is too much work to split up your stuff. So don't be a pushover. Be a man, write down what you want, what you'd be willing to let her keep in exchange and get out.

In the end, a gentleman still gives more than he gets. Now, we just have to help take more stuff to the dump.

Until We Meet Again,
The Gentlemen

Drinking with Lightweights

Dear Gentlemen,

My wife has us go out every now and then with some of her work friends. They are peers and a friendly enough bunch, but no one is exactly close with each other. We go to ordinary after work bars where there is normally table service. They all drink slowly. I weigh twice what these women weigh and tend to drink quickly.

A couple of the other ladies bring men, but they all seem to drink slowly also. My wife tells me that drinking so fast makes me look like an alcoholic. So I hang out with these people for an hour or two and have one or two beers. Is my wife crazy for not letting me drink at least twice that much? Can I go straight to the bar? I don't mind the company, I just think I would enjoy it all a little more if I had a lot more to drink.

Thanks,

Thirsty in Kansas City

Dear Thirsty,

Drinking with lightweights who are not exactly friends or family is always a trial. (Gentlemanly sidenote: Do be careful in distinguishing actual friends from friendly coworkers.) If you don’t have a decent professional or personal reason engage in unsatisfactory drinking, then avoid it.

As gentlemen, we are well aware that your wife wants you to do everything outside of her grooming rituals with her. But that’s why ancient gentlemen invented hunting, and more recent gentlemen have invented civilization--so that they could get away frequently. Your wife isn’t crazy for limiting your alcohol consumption in front of her coworkers. She rightly sees you as part of her professional reputation. But you might be crazy for getting needlessly roped into the deeply joyless exercise of listening to a group of mostly sober women discuss their jobs.

So get a hobby, stay late at work, start a political party, reinvent the wheel, get drinks with your own coworkers, or better yet, your friends. But don't drink with your wife's coworkers. Save your headache-inducing two-beers-and-a-forced-smile for her company Christmas party, and draw the line there.

On Our Seventh Or So,

The Gentlemen

When Someone Interrupts Your Victory Lap

Dear Gentlemen,
After informing my co-workers that I am leaving my job, one of them decided that this was the best time to let loose with some choice invectives.

I was taken aback, especially because we still have one month left of passing each other in the hallway and seeing each other at meetings. If this had happened before my decision to leave, I would have reported him to HR, but now I would feel like a tattle tale. Do you have any thoughts on how to proceed?

Sincerely,

Upwardly Mobile in Uppsala

Dear Mr. Mobile,

A gentleman should always look for the high road, and if he has the stomach for it, take that road. It sounds like you’re on your way to greener pastures, and thus, have won. In the 21st century workplace, loyalty isn’t a real consideration in most professional decisions.

So, having won, and having done nothing wrong, let this former co-worker rant and rave to his heart’s content. Meet his rage with calm, and show him for the trapped and jealous little drone he is.

Peaceably,

The Gentlemen

Strip Club with the In-Laws

Dear Gentlemen,
I have a bachelor party coming up for my wife's brother. Plans have been made to go to a strip club and my father-in-law and some other in-laws will be there. Should I go? What is the protocol for behavior?

Best,
Caught Peeking, Ossining NY

Dear Caught,
The protocol for dealing with your wife's family is to keep alive the myth that you could only imagine your life with one woman - the daughter and sister of these people that have chosen to make you go to a strip club.

You have to go, but stress that it was not your idea. Tell them you are not sure about it, that you are nervous, and that strippers give you the creeps. Do not buy a lap dance for yourself. Chip in and get one for the groom to be and/or your father-in-law, because it is vital that they are more embarrassed by the experience than you are.

Your only risk is looking too weak, so make sure you appear comfortable by making eye contact with the ladies. Don't shy away from a bit of witty banter as you turn down lap dances. And now and then politely put a dollar in a dancer's waist band. These are working girls after all, don't blame them for the fact that you got roped into going with your father-in-law.

Politely,
The Gentlemen

Not in Front of Company

Dear Gentlemen,
Recently my wife has been nagging me over silly things, especially when company is over. For example, when we order pizza, she keeps nagging me to go pick it up even though we just called in the order and I know from experience with this restaurant that I'll be waiting in the cold for 10 minutes if I go when she suggests.

What's the most gentlemanly way to explain to her the situation in front of guests without sounding rude?

Worriedly,
Henpecked in Hyannis

Dear Henpecked,

Your marriage is important. It’s more important than a lot of things, but it’s especially more important than what people think of your marriage.

Fighting with your lady isn’t fun, and is even worse in front of friends and acquaintances. And giving a gentleman advice on how to fight with his lady is like giving a schoolkid advice on how to handle a schoolyard altercation. It’s generally a waste of time, because no two fights are the same, and because it all goes out the window once the fur is flying.

But if your lady is playing the bully consistently in front of guests, then, in a private moment, you should talk to her about this troubling tendency of hers. And if that doesn't work, then consider resorting to the lowest form of combat, namely politics. It’s often a gentleman’s best bet for winning without fighting.

Let’s stick with pizza example. Mention in passing to the guests, not to your lady, that you love the pizza place, but they don’t deliver and they take absolutely forever to make a pie. If she’s using the guests to get her way without confrontation, so can you.

Then, if you must still leave far too early to pick up the pizza, ask a sympathetic guest or two if they want to come with you, because it will be a while. One will likely agree, just to avert the discomfort. A missing guest will underline how long you are gone, especially if it’s cold out. And if no one agrees to come along, then leave your cell phone at home, and grab a beer or two on the way to the pizza place.

Just relax. Take your time. You’re not only the master of your destiny, but also of their pizza.

Entertainingly,

The Gentlemen

That Facebook Picture of a Pot Pipe Isn't Cool

Dear Gentlemen,
I have a friend who is 35 years old who just posted a picture of his super sweet glass pot pipe onto Facebook. How do I tell him this is inappropriate?

Sincerely
The Grown Up, Twin Cities


Dear Grown Up,
Here at G3nt, we get a lot of questions about how to deal with that good friend who can't quite get it together. Posting an inappropriate Facebook photo certainly falls into the category of not quite having it together.

Like dealing with a friend with a drinking problem, your responsibility to tell the friend he's being a huge idiot is related to the quality of your friendship. None of us reached out to Charlie Sheen when he went over the handlebars, mostly because he never picks up a check. But when it comes to a sibling or close friend, we have to do something.

A gentleman does not put up pictures on Facebook of drug use, sex or extreme intoxication. When a photo like this gets up there, he enjoys the brief laugh and then he takes the necessary steps to remove it. If your friend doesn't know this rule, tell it to him. Call him and say, "Take that picture of you smoking weed off Facebook. Don't be a jackass."

Sometimes people use Facebook as a public call for help and sometimes they just like to share their good times. You have to know your friend and decide what this photo is all about. Whatever the reason, a friend does not let a friend sabotage his career or make a fool of himself with stupid pictures on Facebook.

Editorially,
The Gentlemen

Should a Gentleman Give Parenting Advice?

Dear Gentlemen,
I have friends who are terrible parents. I want to say something but am not sure what to say or how to say it. What is the best way to give parenting advice?

Best,
Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Concerned,
Critiquing parenting methods is a sure way to end a friendship. It is a very sensitive subject into which a gentleman rarely forays.

If we're talking bruises and cigarette burns, you have the sad obligation to contact child services. But if we're talking about general questionable parenting - like letting the little one eat gogurt or the older one stay out all night - and you still want to say something, then don't.

But if you honestly can't help yourself, then start by talking shop. Discuss attachment parenting or Ferberizing. Ask a few neutral, almost academic questions to find out why the behavior that you don't like is happening. Offer to help. Offer to babysit. Spend some time with the kid and lead by example.

You can put your friendship in jeopardy and tell them to be better parents, or you can become a better friend, and help them take care of their kid for a little while. And if they are really bad parents, hopefully you will help change their behavior by example. Otherwise, it's hands off.

Paternally,
The Gentlemen

Celebrities Are Not Better Than You

Dear Gentlemen,

I frequent a popular restaurant, where I often see celebrities I admire. What’s the right way to approach them?

Puzzled,

Star Struck in Studio City

Dear Mr. Struck,

A gentleman does not abase himself unnecessarily. If you must approach a celebrity, let dignity be your watchword.

If you’re in a restaurant, send over a drink, or a bottle of wine, then nod or wave to express your approval of the celebrity.

And if you must say hello to them, keep it brief, tell them which of their achievements you admire, and then be the one to end it. That will make it less awkward for the celebrity, and reduce the likelihood that you will be dramatically disappointed. There’s a reason they say to never meet your heroes.

Remember that you’re a gentleman, not a teenage girl or some slot-pulling retiree. Don’t ask for an autograph or take a picture with them, and don't hit on female celebrities - especially Drew Barrymore.

In an Egalitarian Mood,

The Gentlemen

Good Friend, Bad Drunk

Dear Gentlemen,

I have a great friend, whose company I really enjoy. But his personality completely changes when he has had a few too many. What should I do?

With Great Concern,

Conflicted in Colorado Springs

Dear Conflicted,
Where a true friend is involved, you owe him honesty. And you need to take care in choosing how to tell him that you don’t like drinking with him.

If he’s just a bad drunk, then it may be a matter of simply not drinking with him. You can do dozens of other things together, just not drink. But if his boorishness is part of a bigger problem, then offer to work with him through some kind of recovery program. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, you may have planted a valuable seed.

Interventionally,

The Gentleman

Before She Met You

Dear Gentlemen,
I am in a relationship that is becoming serious. Recently, I learned about my girlfriend’s sexual history. It was not a tale I enjoyed hearing. How can I deal with it?

Nauseously,

Ghost Dog, Queens, New York

Dear Ghost,

In this modern world, it’s unlikely that you will date many virgins. And it’s deeply troubling to think that a woman to whom you wish to give your heart has been won with far less by other men.

Our first piece of advice is to never get into Ghost Dog’s situation. You may want to discuss your past conquests. And earlier relationships may be a favorite topic of discussion for your lady friend. In either case, you need to curtail that discussion. It is both irrelevant and damaging. Nip it in the bud. Strangle it in the crib. No good will come of it. No matter how sparing she has been with her maidenhood, there is no good answer to the question of her past. Don’t ask, don’t answer, don’t go there.

But if you’ve already crossed that bridge, then just try to forget. Don’t enlarge the conversation by asking more questions or by bringing it up again. The more time you spend talking about it, the more time you’ll spend thinking about it. And the more time you spend thinking about it, the worse you will feel. The modern compulsion to talk about sex at all turns is in fact your worst enemy in this instance. So, stow it, and move on.

With Steely Discipline,

The Gentlemen

Politely Declining to Receive the Word

Dear Gentlemen,
I live in the tropical, Central American country of Belize. Here in Belize we have many different racial and religious groups. The most rapidly growing religious group is the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The Witnesses walk about the village every day of the week "spreading the word." My question I have to ask you is, what is the gentlemanly thing to do when they come knocking on your door and you would rather not be preached to?

Thanks,
Racso Ttocs

Dear Racso,

There are few things as tedious as being proselytized to. But there are few things that people hold so dear as their religion. Missionaries will use your politeness as their beachhead. You don’t want to be rude, but you probably don’t want to get into it with them. If a simple but firm, "No thank you," does not immediately send the proselytizers the other way, you'll quickly have to switch to tougher methods.

One way to deal with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Seventh-Day Adventists or Pentecostals is to say that you belong to another equally marginal and virulent cult. For instance, tell a Jehovah’s Witnesses that you’re a Mormon, and vice versa. That will usually back them off.

Missionaries are all trained to deal with lapsed Catholics and angry atheists, but will usually back off from a member of an obscure and aggressive group. If they press, make up a tale about the brutal persecution your family faced for being practicing Eleventh-Day Pentecostal Resurrectionists in the Anabaptist  territories of Minnesota, then flash some anger and wish them a good day.

Deviously,

The Gentlemen

Courtship Rituals of the Doomed

Dear Gentlemen,
What does it mean when a girl texts you "LOL!" after you send her a picture of your penis?

Sincerely,

Sheraz Ali, Orlando, Florida

Dear Sheraz,

It should be obvious that a gentleman doesn’t photograph, or transmit photographs of his genitals. But should you forget that, and send a lady such a picture, then “LOL!” is probably on the better end of the spectrum of possible responses, with legal action being among the worst. It should assure you that the recipient has herself plummeted to the same charmless and incoherent level as yourself.

Good Luck,

The Gentlemen

Geese, Ganders, and What Happens in Las Vegas

Dear Gentlemen,
My girl friend is planning a girls’ trip to Las Vegas with some of her slutty friends. I don’t want her to go. The thought of her being hit on by sleazy guys in the casinos and clubs drives me nuts. But I want to do a guys’ trip to Vegas later. How should I proceed?

Regards,

Jealous at the Airport

Dear Jealous,

The Golden Rule is one that we seek to defy as much as the laws of gravity. Good luck with both.

A gentleman treats his woman as he wants to be treated. If you want freedom, allow her some freedom. If you want to be trusted, trust her. Men and women are different, and shifting power dynamics drive a lot of the attraction in a relationship. But the Golden Rule is a good place to start and a fair goal to aim for.

It may blow up in your face, as in the case of your lady’s trip to Las Vegas on the whore train. But if she can’t handle a weekend in Vegas, then, well, you can probably do better.

Gamingly,

The Gentlemen

When a Stranger Wants to Trade Shirts

Dear Gentlemen,

I was at a get-together wearing a t-shirt with "paradise" somewhere on the front and a guy I don't know says, "Hey, I really want your shirt, because my mom's maiden name is Paradise." The shirt he wants to trade me is less than stellar. How do you recommend handling such situations?

Thanks,
Shirtless


Dear Shirtless,
Obviously, a gentleman is not required to go trading shirts every time a guy on the street likes his threads. But there are times when a gentleman will be asked to make life more interesting and parties more fun. Deciding when to trade shirts is ultimately up to you, but we suggest erring on the side of joviality, unless you're wearing a personal favorite.

For the sake of your compatriots, the worse the trade is for you, the better it is for them. This means, that if you are going to trade, you should get some advice from your friends. If everyone is laughing nervously, you should make the trade. If everyone is just bored with the idea, keep your shirt on.

Fashionably,
The Gentlemen

My Friend Is a Killer, Is That Cool?

Dear Gentlemen,

Recently, this high up government honcho (head of the dept. of fish and wildlife for the golden state) bragged about killing a mountain lion while hunting in idaho where the big cats can be legally hunted. Unbeknownst to me, one cannot legally hunt the majestic big cats in the golden state. This story has caused a lot of people (hunters v. animal activists) here in the golden state to get there panties in a bunch.

On one hand, I think mountain lions are super cool, and don't really see the point of killing them unless they start snacking on someone's dog, or, god for bid, some small child ... hikers and bird watchers get what they deserve when wandering into a mountain lions turf. It's not like you see mountain lions on menu next elk or buffalo. Although, said dick-wad public official claims to have dined on the big cat, and noted the sweet flavor of the meat.

On the other hand, I live in the suburbs of san francisco (i.e., very populated area) and mountain lions are always sneaking into my neighborhood where my small children frolic so innocently. There are clearly enough mountain lions (out west anyway) so that their populations can be "culled" a bit by honest hunters, and most hunters have more respect for this planet than the average animal activists. Further, i feel that i have no business judging the hunters call of the wild (or desire to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, go out in the wilderness where its fucking really cold, and wait ... and wait ... and wait ... and wait ...) I mean, more power to the hunter.

Herein lies my dilemma, does a gentlemen condone or celebrate the hunting of "trophy" animals?

bang-bang,

the golden statesman


Dear Mr. Statesman,

Hunting is a gentlemanly activity because it promotes the virtues of patience, skill, action and the desire to be a part of the natural world. Hunting should generally be celebrated, but it depends upon the manner in which the hunt is conducted.

Trophy hunts have the reputation, deserved or not, of a rich man going out to a ranch in Africa where he is handed a gun pointed at a Rhino and instructed, "shoot." This is the antithesis of virtuous hunting.

Trophy hunters also reputedly do not care about conservation of land or prey. These guys supposedly derive some joy in killing the last Ivory Billed Woodpecker, just to say they did it. Again, the manner of the hunt matters.

A gentleman takes no joy in the destruction of the world. And does not deceive himself that he is an 18th century frontiersman when he drives to the hunt in a car with a computer that tells him exactly where he is and how long it takes to get home.

In your situation it is the politicizing of the hunt that is particularly ungentlemanly. The hunt is an act of patience and participation in nature, while boasting about the kill on tv has nothing to do with nature and is actually about the high paced political world of electronic transferred sound bites with gory images.

Celebrate a hunter who hunts with civility and humility, who promotes the virtues of patience, conservation and adventure. Disapprove of the hunter who does not care about anything but the dead carcass and the chance to brag to his buddies that he is a killer.

Conscientiously,
The Gentlemen

Does This Beard Make Me Look Fat?

Dear Gentlemen,

I'm no slave to fashion, but I try to stay in the same decade as the predominant trends, to keep my mating options as flexible as possible. The problem is with the beard craze of the last decade. I am not a hairy guy at all and due to genetics or PVC-lined bottles, I cannot grow so much as two hairs on my chin. No problem, but my girlfriend is descended from a more hirsute people than I (She could grow a Super Mario mustache in a week), and recently she came out and challenged my manhood, asking me to grow a beard just so she can see what it's like on me. How do I tell her I don't have the whiskers to pull it off? Should it matter? Am I less than a full man? Chaz Bono looks like Grizzly Adams compared to me.

Plucked in Poughkeepsie


Dear Plucked,

A beard is not a prerequisite for masculine adulthood. And neither is partaking in the feminine obsession with self-doubting your appearance. Tell your girl that your skin is too perfect for a beard or grow a wispy 'stache and get a Trans-Am. Either way, the key here is to address the problem with gentlemanly confidence and aplomb.

The challenge to your manhood has nothing to do with growing a beard and everything to do with getting embroiled in a conversation about your grooming habits. It's ok to use her exfoliating soap in the shower but don't talk about it over breakfast or ask where to buy it, or discuss availability of other flavors from specialty soap websites.

Men have a special way we handle all problems; it's called the scientific method and it involves trial and error not subscriptions to beauty mags or appointments at hair salons. If you don't want to grow a beard, tell your girlfriend you tried it once and did not like the results.

Smoothly,
The Gentlemen