Fishing on the Company Pier

Dear Gentlemen,
Under what circumstances can a gentleman have sex with coworkers?  And when doing so, is it preferable to move up the hierarchy, or down?

Regards,
Cubicle Casanova

Dear Cubicle,

The circumstances in which a gentleman pursues intimacy with his coworkers is second only to the manner in which he does it. Generally, it’s a bad idea to get involved with someone in a junior role. But that’s only a real problem if they report directly to you, when a bad argument could result in legal action. On the flipside, if you’re involved with someone senior, or your boss, it’s not unromantic or ungentlemanly to hold onto their voicemails for the time being.

Pulling off office romances require that you be two things: Discreet and gentlemanly. By discreet, I suggest that you follow the rule of bygone gentlemen and Keep It to Yourself. If you’ve never tried it, it’s harder than it sounds. But you’ll be doing both you and your paramour a favor. By gentlemanly, I mean honest, straightforward and clear about your feelings and intentions - remember, if this thing goes south, you will be reminded of it every day.

Finally, sharing daily visits and the ability to cause professional harm, may force you to abandon many practices that a single man enjoys. For  instance, in an office romance you can’t exploit the vagaries of the unspoken expectations that may come with a  few dates or a few drunken nights of intimacy. 

Not that you would ever do such a thing.

Best Wishes,
The Gentlemen

Shall a Gentleman LOL?

Dear Sirs,
When it comes to texting (or IMing or emailing) is the use of "LOL" acceptable for gentlemanly use?

With Kind Regards,
Curious is Oakland

Dear Curious,

When it comes to human language, you have several millennia of words, ideas, linguistic conventions and aphorisms to draw on to get your point across. Why would you choose, from that ever-blossoming cornucopia of thought, the lazy expressions of callow and bored teenage girls to express your thoughts?

At bottom, the use of “LOL” and similar abbreviations is a matter of personal taste. But keep in mind that when you use the degraded patois of our day too regularly, even if you’re just playing along, you may be blunting the tools and infantilizing the audience that you’ll need when the day comes to deal with a difficult and complex situation, or when you want to express something important and original.

All the Best,

The Gentlemen

Drinking Alone

Dear Gentlemen,
Does a gentleman drink alone?

I hope the answer is yes.
 
God, I hope the answer is yes.


Thanks,

Mr. B, CA

Dear Mr. B,

The Gentleman’s tradition of enjoying a beverage in the company of his own thoughts as the night comes on is a grand one. And it should not be abandoned just because some men take the tradition a bit too far and end up realizing that their company leaves something to be desired.

The secret to drinking alone is actually quite simple: Don’t turn on the tv. But rather, imagine that you are doing your drinking and thinking on a mountain, or a sailboat. It makes thoughts seem grander, and ultimately, more gentlemanly. 

Be Grand,

The Gentlemen

Advice on Advice

Dear Gentlemen,

Imagine you have a friend who's getting a project off the ground. It's an entrepreneurial project in the case I'm thinking of, but it really could be any kind of project--it could be a work of art, or an event he's planning, etc. Anyway, he's discussed the project with you. He didn't specifically ask for any feedback on it, and overall you liked the idea, but you found one aspect of his project to be wanting/needing improvement. You're afraid if you bring it up to him, even in a good natured way, thinking he might give you some very curt response like, "I didn't ask for comments."

I guess I have two questions. First: what's the best approach when you have some constructive commentary for a friend on a project of his?

Second, if you are the recipient of such constructive criticism, how does a gentleman react?
Thanks!
MC, Wellesley, MA

Dear MC,

If your friend did say such a thing, and if he’s indeed a gentleman, I’m sure he’s sorry for that breach of manners. Curtness is certainly ungentlemanly.

But your question does raise the issue of advice, especially unsolicited advice. A gentleman strives to be helpful. And that means giving commentary and criticism where it would seem to benefit those around him. But when the people around him don’t ask for his advice, the gentleman’s unsolicited advice puts them in the position of having to thank him for something they didn’t ask for, and possibly don’t want.

Now your friend is working on the project, and he probably knows its ins and outs better than you, as well as his own vision for it. So, unsolicited advice may be aggravating for the same reasons that a backseat driver can be aggravating.

A gentleman may respond to unsolicited advice with a simple thanks, though he hopes to receive no more of it. Simple politeness checkmates him into it. But he should strive not to similarly checkmate others

So, to sum up: Advice, especially when a gentleman offers it to another gentleman, should be limited to situations where it is requested, or at least where one of the gentlemen expresses perplexity or frustration.
Regards,
The Gentlemen

I Don't Want to be Facebook Friends

Dear Gentlemen,

I am in need of some gentlemanly advice. I have received a few friend requests on facebook from people whom I do not consider friends in real life. My distaste for them in the real world leeds me to not wanna be their friend in the cyber world. What is the gentlemanly way to handle this matter? I have thought about denying their friend request, but I'm not sure if that is the response that a proper gentleman might give? What is the proper etiquette for a gentleman in 2012 when he receives a facebook friend request from someone he does not want to accept?

Thank you for your help with this quandary.

Jimmy the Gent, KCMO

Dear Mr. Jimmy,

Facebook etiquette is an unsettled business. Initially the proper etiquette was to friend everyone and anyone because facebook was new and the only point of it seemed to see what everyone you ever met was doing these days – how much money they have and what their girlfriends look like. But now that we all know that, the rules have changed a bit and a person has to become a bit more selective. It is a reflection of your character if you have 1,500 friends that you have never seen nor have any interest in speaking to in the real world.

Therefore, it is perfectly acceptable to ignore a friend request. On the off chance that you see the ignored person in the real world, and they bring it up, then you politely suggest that you do not really facebook that much any more.


Sincerely,
The Gentlemen

Is It Possible You Could Put That Out?

Dear Gentlemen,
What is a nice way to tell someone that their cigarette smoke is bothering you?

I'll be sitting at a blackjack table, where smoking is allowed, and a guy or gal will have smoke floating over to me.  It is legal for them to smoke but it is right in my face.

What is a polite way to ask for them to put it out?

Mr. S, KC

Dear Mr. S.,

When a gentleman is in a den of vice, where smoking is permitted, he ought to roll with the punches.

In that situation, a lady may complain, and a gentleman may take up her cause. But unless he is a severe asthmatic, he should be able to handle a little second-hand smoke while he plays cards.

The second part of the word gentleman is, after all, man.

Good Luck,

The Gentlemen

Drinking with a Non-Drinker

Dear Gentlemen,


I hang out with a girl that quit drinking.  She comes out to the bars
sometimes, but she isn't too comfortable with it.  We like to hang out
with each other and I like to go to the bars with other friends as
well.

I don't want to hurt her feelings about it.  What is your advice?


B in KC

Dear B,
When a friend has stopped drinking you have to make the effort to go out someplace where you both do not drink. That can lead to some awkward, unlubricated socializing at art galleries, gardens, and parks. But just think how hard it is for them, and realize that if you want to be their friend you are going to have to help them quit drinking.

Think of your friend’s sobriety as an opportunity to expand your own routines to new leisure activities. And when you get together with the friend and your drinking buddies choose places that are easier on non-drinkers, like a Royals game or a bar with a bacci court, hell, go bowling.

When you’re at a regular bar with her, don’t call attention to her non-drinking. She chose to come to the bar; she knows what is going to happen there. Just have a good time and remember that it is never cool just to sit around and talk about getting drunk and reminisce about other times you got drunk.

Best,

The Gentlemen

Do I Step Aside?

Dear Gentlemen,


When I'm standing in the doorway of a crowded train and step aside to let people on, I never step aside all the way. All the area I vacate will be claimed so I step aside only as far as leaves me enough space. People are usually irritated. they have to squeeze into the train because I'm in the way. They let me know it with a little emphasis as they brush by.


Fuck those people?


Mr. "Don't Push Me", Brooklyn

Dear Mr. Don't Push Me,
There comes a point in the daily commute of many gentlemen at which the situation is unpleasant and yet can’t be immediately improved. On the train, it may be that you lack that inch of personal space. Driving, it may be the crawl of the traffic. A gentleman should accept this, and accept that it is equally unpleasant for everyone else on the train or highway.

The mistake that many gentlemen make is that they fail to see that there is no fixing their situation. By fighting for that extra inch of space on the train or that extra car length on the road, a gentleman antagonizes his fellow commuters in an unwinnable fight. That creates a sense of general antagonism which, as you seem to know, follows him throughout the day.

In heavy traffic, or on a crowded train, everyone is just trying to get somewhere. A gentleman knows when he can’t control the situation and can only control how he responds to it.

So, yes, graciously step aside.

Sincerely,

The Gentlemen

How Does a Gentleman Text?

Dear Gentlemen,

Lets talk texts. Do gentlemen send text messages to ladies? If a gentleman does, does he match their stupid emoticons with ones of his own? And what about their misplaced and overused exclamation marks? Does a gentleman use some of his own? Doesn't that make him a total pussy?

Fuck you,

Tommy Text Too Much

Dear Mr. Text Too Much,

On the Hierarchy of Communication, especially with women, texting is very near the bottom. A gentleman generally prefers face-to-face communication, or failing that, the phone--they are clearer, more-lasting ways to get your point across. But when a gentleman must text, he should text clearly, without degrading abbreviations.

Now the romantic aspect of your question only adds to its difficulty. Every woman is different. Some women see modern wireless phones simply as an easy way to convey and receive important information in a timely manner. There are others, though, who see the phone as a way to instantly broadcast their displeasure about every slightly less-than-favorable breeze that ruffles their skirts. It’s important to figure out where the lady in question falls on that spectrum.

As for exclamation points and emoticons—they fall under the Flower Rule. The short version of the Flower Rule is this: If you always give flowers, she’ll stop being happy to receive them. So only give flowers if you’re in trouble; If you feel like it’s been too long since you gave them, or; If you want something. Same goes for exclamation points, which are like flowers you bring home from the grocery store. And consider emoticons as the big bouquet that she has to sign for.

The 1990 Trap

Gentlemen,

Here is my problem. Recently, I have found myself stuck in the year 1990. I can't escape it. My entire life revolves around things I was interested in as a twelve year old. I wear Air Jordan's. Not just the shoes. The whole gear. I listen to Public Enemy. I recently pulled out a bunch of old books from my youth and reread all of them. One of them was Muggsy Bogues autobiography. What in the hell qualifies Muggsy Bogues to have an autobiography anyway? Then again, what in the hell qualifies you to give advice?

At any rate, I am concerned that this regression towards the days of my youth will stunt my progression towards becoming a gentlemen of the third millennium. I am equally concerned about the impact of this on my 5 year old son. He wears Jordan's too. Not the new ones, which he asked for. Retros, which I forced on him.

Is this normal behavior for a 33 year old father of three? I don't remember my father acting this way when I was a kid. Perhaps this a problem that is unique to other men of the third millennium because (let's face it) the third millennium sucks ass. It is possible that 1990 was as good as it gets?

Please help me. You are my last hope.

Nick, KC


Mr. Nick,
Life comes at a gentleman pretty fast, and both the import and the outcome of the present moment is unclear. That can lead a man to look to the placid days of the past with undue affection. Imagining 1990 from your point of view, I can imagine long afternoons sorting through sheets of Donruss baseball cards. That year, the Kansas City Royals had the highest payroll in baseball, featuring Bo Jackson, Danny Tartabull, Bret Saberhagen and George Brett's final batting title. Good year.

The urge to look backward helps a gentleman resist the tide of faddish crap that comes pouring at him in what seems like every waking moment. But a gentleman should resist the urge to linger on the past. It’s a mistake to overvalue one’s youth at the expense of a gentleman’s continuing education from the world he lives in and from the people around him. It's a challenge, but one that will benefit you and those around you in equal parts over the years.

So go check out some new books, but keep the Muggsy Bogues. And don’t be an old, boring man until you have to.
Sincerely,
The Gentlemen

The Left Handshake

Gentlemen,

Just the other day - I was saying goodbye to some male friends after sojourning to the beach for a surf and one gentlemen had his board tucked under his right arm, so when we went to shake he offered his left. I met his left with my left, and shook it. But that felt wrong. I think I should have given him my right, and put his hand in mine, clasped it, and let go. Please advise on what to do when provided with an unavoidable left hand for shaking. Do I go left, or right?

Seriously.

Danny, CA



Mr. Danny,

There is nothing more annoying than the flubbed farewell, be it the lefty handshake, the shaken fist bump, the awkward half hug, or any number of miscues at the good-bye stage of a meeting. The unifying unpleasantness is a simple miscommunication that leaves the whole group feeling like they just bombed on a job interview. A true gent parts ways such that everyone leaves feeling a bit better about everything.

Danny, in your situation, it was the emasculating half-heartedness of the whole thing – he might have well just waved – that caused the unpleasantness. A gentleman never rushes a farewell; he acknowledges any misunderstanding with a subtle raised eyebrow and demands a bit more from his fellow man as they part ways. You hold your ground and get a proper right-handed shake or change the situation up and go in for the hug. Either way, you should do it with a smile on your face knowing that you don’t settle for a half-ass life - or handshake.