Geese, Ganders, and What Happens in Las Vegas

Dear Gentlemen,
My girl friend is planning a girls’ trip to Las Vegas with some of her slutty friends. I don’t want her to go. The thought of her being hit on by sleazy guys in the casinos and clubs drives me nuts. But I want to do a guys’ trip to Vegas later. How should I proceed?

Regards,

Jealous at the Airport

Dear Jealous,

The Golden Rule is one that we seek to defy as much as the laws of gravity. Good luck with both.

A gentleman treats his woman as he wants to be treated. If you want freedom, allow her some freedom. If you want to be trusted, trust her. Men and women are different, and shifting power dynamics drive a lot of the attraction in a relationship. But the Golden Rule is a good place to start and a fair goal to aim for.

It may blow up in your face, as in the case of your lady’s trip to Las Vegas on the whore train. But if she can’t handle a weekend in Vegas, then, well, you can probably do better.

Gamingly,

The Gentlemen

When a Stranger Wants to Trade Shirts

Dear Gentlemen,

I was at a get-together wearing a t-shirt with "paradise" somewhere on the front and a guy I don't know says, "Hey, I really want your shirt, because my mom's maiden name is Paradise." The shirt he wants to trade me is less than stellar. How do you recommend handling such situations?

Thanks,
Shirtless


Dear Shirtless,
Obviously, a gentleman is not required to go trading shirts every time a guy on the street likes his threads. But there are times when a gentleman will be asked to make life more interesting and parties more fun. Deciding when to trade shirts is ultimately up to you, but we suggest erring on the side of joviality, unless you're wearing a personal favorite.

For the sake of your compatriots, the worse the trade is for you, the better it is for them. This means, that if you are going to trade, you should get some advice from your friends. If everyone is laughing nervously, you should make the trade. If everyone is just bored with the idea, keep your shirt on.

Fashionably,
The Gentlemen

My Friend Is a Killer, Is That Cool?

Dear Gentlemen,

Recently, this high up government honcho (head of the dept. of fish and wildlife for the golden state) bragged about killing a mountain lion while hunting in idaho where the big cats can be legally hunted. Unbeknownst to me, one cannot legally hunt the majestic big cats in the golden state. This story has caused a lot of people (hunters v. animal activists) here in the golden state to get there panties in a bunch.

On one hand, I think mountain lions are super cool, and don't really see the point of killing them unless they start snacking on someone's dog, or, god for bid, some small child ... hikers and bird watchers get what they deserve when wandering into a mountain lions turf. It's not like you see mountain lions on menu next elk or buffalo. Although, said dick-wad public official claims to have dined on the big cat, and noted the sweet flavor of the meat.

On the other hand, I live in the suburbs of san francisco (i.e., very populated area) and mountain lions are always sneaking into my neighborhood where my small children frolic so innocently. There are clearly enough mountain lions (out west anyway) so that their populations can be "culled" a bit by honest hunters, and most hunters have more respect for this planet than the average animal activists. Further, i feel that i have no business judging the hunters call of the wild (or desire to get up at the ass-crack of dawn, go out in the wilderness where its fucking really cold, and wait ... and wait ... and wait ... and wait ...) I mean, more power to the hunter.

Herein lies my dilemma, does a gentlemen condone or celebrate the hunting of "trophy" animals?

bang-bang,

the golden statesman


Dear Mr. Statesman,

Hunting is a gentlemanly activity because it promotes the virtues of patience, skill, action and the desire to be a part of the natural world. Hunting should generally be celebrated, but it depends upon the manner in which the hunt is conducted.

Trophy hunts have the reputation, deserved or not, of a rich man going out to a ranch in Africa where he is handed a gun pointed at a Rhino and instructed, "shoot." This is the antithesis of virtuous hunting.

Trophy hunters also reputedly do not care about conservation of land or prey. These guys supposedly derive some joy in killing the last Ivory Billed Woodpecker, just to say they did it. Again, the manner of the hunt matters.

A gentleman takes no joy in the destruction of the world. And does not deceive himself that he is an 18th century frontiersman when he drives to the hunt in a car with a computer that tells him exactly where he is and how long it takes to get home.

In your situation it is the politicizing of the hunt that is particularly ungentlemanly. The hunt is an act of patience and participation in nature, while boasting about the kill on tv has nothing to do with nature and is actually about the high paced political world of electronic transferred sound bites with gory images.

Celebrate a hunter who hunts with civility and humility, who promotes the virtues of patience, conservation and adventure. Disapprove of the hunter who does not care about anything but the dead carcass and the chance to brag to his buddies that he is a killer.

Conscientiously,
The Gentlemen

Does This Beard Make Me Look Fat?

Dear Gentlemen,

I'm no slave to fashion, but I try to stay in the same decade as the predominant trends, to keep my mating options as flexible as possible. The problem is with the beard craze of the last decade. I am not a hairy guy at all and due to genetics or PVC-lined bottles, I cannot grow so much as two hairs on my chin. No problem, but my girlfriend is descended from a more hirsute people than I (She could grow a Super Mario mustache in a week), and recently she came out and challenged my manhood, asking me to grow a beard just so she can see what it's like on me. How do I tell her I don't have the whiskers to pull it off? Should it matter? Am I less than a full man? Chaz Bono looks like Grizzly Adams compared to me.

Plucked in Poughkeepsie


Dear Plucked,

A beard is not a prerequisite for masculine adulthood. And neither is partaking in the feminine obsession with self-doubting your appearance. Tell your girl that your skin is too perfect for a beard or grow a wispy 'stache and get a Trans-Am. Either way, the key here is to address the problem with gentlemanly confidence and aplomb.

The challenge to your manhood has nothing to do with growing a beard and everything to do with getting embroiled in a conversation about your grooming habits. It's ok to use her exfoliating soap in the shower but don't talk about it over breakfast or ask where to buy it, or discuss availability of other flavors from specialty soap websites.

Men have a special way we handle all problems; it's called the scientific method and it involves trial and error not subscriptions to beauty mags or appointments at hair salons. If you don't want to grow a beard, tell your girlfriend you tried it once and did not like the results.

Smoothly,
The Gentlemen

The Early Call

Dear Gentlemen,

What time is too early to call someone on a weekend and on a workday?

I'll call you.


Dear Mr. I'll Call,

Growing up, I was taught that you never called anyone before 10am or after 10pm. This advice is still the general rule, regardless of day.

However, the cell phone has permanently changed the way we communicate, and specifically, the time and manner in which we do so. It is safe to assume that everyone under 40 only has a cell phone, no land lines. Furthermore, it is the cell phone user's obligation to control the settings of their phone to only ring when they want to take calls.

If you want to call early or late, the first thing to do is send a text message. If you are desperate for a response and your text is not answered, follow up with a call.

Among your friends and family, it is good to talk to them and get a general sense of their schedule, then call during those times. People with small children are often up before 7, but do not answer during afternoon or early evening. And old people often can't sleep at all.

All that said, between 10 and 10 is still the safest - and most normal - time to call.

Reach out and touch someone,
The Gentlemen

The Demon Envy

The Demon Envy

Dearest Gentlemen,

Knowing full well that the occasional smattering of sexual jealousy and competition is an ugly yet biologically-encoded feature of being a human -- even in the best among us -- how does the modern gentleman best handle these unsavory pangs?

Sincerely,

It Ain’t Easy Being Green

Dear Mr. Green,

The powerful collection of bestial impulses and tendencies inside each of us isn’t going anywhere. But a gentleman, while he cannot necessarily control how he feels, can usually control how he behaves, and even sometimes, how he thinks.

Jealousy doesn’t necessarily have to eat you up or drive you to violence. On the contrary, being jealous can actually be a boon, because it helps let you know what you desire. And that can gives you a better idea of where to aim your efforts.

If you’re jealous of another man’s conquests, look at it as an opportunity to see what he’s doing that you’re not, or more often, what he’s not doing that you are. It’s not imperative that you ape his style, but there may be something to learn.

If your jealousy is the result of a woman’s on-again-off-again affection, then there’s a lesson in that as well. Often a woman will withdraw when you chase, and then pursue you when you withdraw. If so, the odds are that her experience of the situation is similar to yours. So consider it an opportunity to master yourself enough to stand still, neither chasing or withdrawing, and by doing so to invite her to stand still with you.

Like any basic impulse, jealousy grows stronger the more you give in to it. So sit back and study it as though it was a strange phenomenon, and go from there.  

Meditatively,

The Gentlemen

The Ethical Bachelor

Dear Gentlemen,

Simply put, I love the company of women overnight and, if reasonable, even during daylight hours, I'm certainly not in love with the idea of being in love. I'm 35. I see nothing wrong with my desire to maintain my bachelor status as long as possible. Yet I've recently found women feeling (to their mind) justifiably wronged when I don't wish to engage in playing house with them.

I have been told I am too old to be playing games, but I'm not playing. I'm just happy living the single life, for good or ill. Are women resentful of men because they are cursed with a biological clock that's alarm in set for 40 while we are free to hit snooze until 60? I sense an issue here. Please clarify the correct way I should view this situation.

Best,

Single in Sacramento 

Dear Single,

The challenge you face is one that confronts a great many gentlemen. The fact is that there is nothing wrong with a prolonged bachelorhood, provided that you go about it in a gentlemanly matter, which means honesty with women, both at the outset and honesty throughout.

It sounds simple, but it’s not. Women have been fed on romantic comedies, which typically involve some rugged rogue selling his muscle car or leaving his high-powered job (sometimes both) so he can help out with his hapless-but-charming girlfriend’s puppy-grooming business and live with  her, next door to her parents. In short, women think their man will change. It’s not just the movies. People as a rule choose to believe what they want to believe, with the evidence at hand counting for little. The main problem for you is that when you say you’re not looking to settle down, she may not believe you.

That brings us to one of the more technical rules for being an Ethical Bachelor, only one of which we’ll bring up now. It is the colorfully named Shit-Or-Get-Off-The-Pot Rule. It states that if, after a year and a half, she’s talking bridesmaids and you’re looking for the exits, then grow a pair and get out. You’re the man and it’s your job to make that call. Regardless of what she says, you’re doing her a favor by moving on. The fact is that she does have less time than you, if she wants to have a family.

What you, as a gentleman, cannot do is string her along because you don’t want to be alone while you look for something better. As the thousands of years of stored wisdom in the Archives of the Gentleman will attest, nothing good will come of that.

Freely,

The Gentlemen

We Should Hang Out Some Time

Dear Gentlemen,

I was recently checking my golf clubs at a hotel in Las Vegas when I was traveling for business. It just happened that as I was spelling my very unique last name for the bellman the valet supervisor interrupted to say that was his last name also. He asked my Dad's name and it turned out that we were first cousins. He knew my Dad very well too. It turns out that I knew his Dad, my Uncle Al, but had no idea who he was. At this point I was torn. Do I get his mobile number? Do I offer to meet up with him after he gets off his valet shift to hang out? Can he help me get some illicit substances to party with later? What connections in Vegas might this previously unknown first cousin be able to provide?

After pondering all this I decided to part ways saying only, “Well that's crazy, I'll let my Dad know we ran into each other.” After telling the story to a few people they acted very surprised that I didn't make more of an attempt to get to know this first cousin better. But I was there on business for just 2 days and didn't have a lot of free time. Should I feel guilty?

Yours in Confusion,

Dubious Cousin

Dear Dubious,

As a gentleman, it’s your right to not pursue any relationship that doesn’t interest you. That goes for cousins, old high school buddies, ex-girlfriends, or former co-workers.

If your cousin had sought to spend time with you and you blew him off, that would be one thing. But it sounds like you were both willing to leave your interaction at a brief encounter. So there’s nothing to feel bad about. And while a cousin has a legitimate claim on some small portion of your time, you certainly don’t have to feel bad for not offering it, especially if he doesn’t ask for it.

Guiltlessly,
The Gentlemen

Other People's Office Romances

Dear G3nt,
It's clear that a few people that I manage in my office are either sleeping together or on the cusp thereof. It's also clear to their fellow colleagues. I don't typically frown upon office romances. But in this instance, she's a direct report to him.

I was hoping restraint was going to win out until one of them could transfer to another team but it seems like that's not going to happen. Evaluation time is forthcoming and I'm scared about what he's going to write about her teamwork and communication skills.

Do I let things play out naturally and let it be known that discretion is probably a good idea or really have a talk with him about managing his time and team with a little less TLC.

Thanks,
Workplace Killjoy

Dear Mr. Killjoy,

The key to a workplace romance is discretion. And sleeping with a direct report is a no-no, not just for gentlemen, but as a general principle. And if the gentleman in question lacks both common sense and discretion, then professional and in this case legal reasons, you must step in.

Keep the discussion professional, and talk to whoever is the senior person in the relationship, as they should know better. Let them know that you never wanted to have this discussion, that you didn’t try to learn about the office romance in question and you certainly didn’t want to have to discuss it with them. Let them know that, disciplinary matters aside, their inability to keep the romance quiet and private reflects poorly on both their interpersonal skills and self-control.

There are several problems with the situation, but the main one is that you’ve been forced to acknowledge and deal with it. You can’t, nor should you try to police the personal lives of the people you work with. You can, however, demand that they tone down their amorous behavior during working hours.

Professionally,
The Gentlemen

How a Gentleman Argues

Dear Gentlemen,
It somehow happens that in the course of day-to-day life I inevitably at some point wind up in the wrong. I intuit that the gentlemanly thing to do is promptly admit it. But I will often rather assert, maintain, contend, argue, protest, vow, swear, and press on, generally coming up with some wildly fabricated claims to support my purported rightness, until my enemy (the person in the right) backs down and settles for an agree-to-disagree detente. How do I overcome this need to be right in every occasion?

Of course, the opposite happens as well. I often find myself in the right on a matter but faced with another gentleman, or a lady even, who insists that they are in the right. They press their flawed case with the same fervent righteousness. What is the gentlemanly thing to do in this occasion? Is it more gentlemanly to let the person in question live on in their blighted state of ignorance in order to avoid a confrontation? Or does a gentleman assume an obstinate stance and apply a "ground and pound" approach to bringing the light of truth to said fool?

Thank you for your time consideration in this matter,
So Wrong I'm Right, Houston, Texas

Dear So Wrong I'm Right,

Belligerence is not a gentlemanly virtue. It is intoxicating to the belligerent party, but usually both boring and offensive to the person subjected to it. The rightness and wrongness of your or their arguments matter little in comparison to how you each pursue those arguments.

Choose your battles. Arguments with strangers are rarely worth winning, though they may be a chance to hone your arguments and learn the weaknesses of those arguments. Once you become provoked enough to rage your way to an agree-to-disagree détente, the exercise has become worthless. “Agree-to-disagree” often means “I find it profitless to speak with you about this.”

With loved ones, friends and family, arguments about even obscure matters, such as The War of the Roses, can take on increased significance and call into play the existing dynamics of the relationship. In those cases, a bit of irrational bluster may indeed be called for, so as not to lose more ground than just your purported expertise on The War of the Roses. But at the same time, if the argument is more about your relationship to the other person than it is about The War of the Roses, and if you’re in the wrong, then wouldn’t your relationship with that person likely benefit if you just admitted it?

Argumentatively,
The Gentlemen

What is fashionable?

Dear Gentlemen,


I'm 27 and like to wear three-piece seersucker suits morning, noon, and night. But my coworkers and friends tend to wear trucker hats and ironic hair on their faces. They make fun of me as an old codger. But I don't believe in the modern fashion as fashion at all. Is it time to pack in it and go with the flow, or stand up for what I believe in?


Thanks,


Mr. Seersucker


Dear Mr. Seersucker,


We are not a fashion blog. What you wear is up to you.


Although proper etiquette dictates that there is a time and a place for certain styles and formalities, your question seems to be fishing for a value judgement about what makes a better outfit, the seersucker suit or funny t-shirts.


We won't bite. A gentleman puts no value in clothes. We value honesty, integrity, humor and passion among many traits. What does your seersucker suit say about you?


Being a gentleman requires that you be yourself. Wear your seersucker suit. And do it with pride. 


Fashionably,


The Gentlemen

After Last Call

Dear Gentlemen,

I drink a lot in bars, and over the course of my life I've lost all my friends who are not bartenders. How do I crawl back into society?

Sincerely,

Sauced in Sausalito

Dear Sauced,

Bars are wonderful places. Dark and inviting, they offer both drinks and camaraderie. But as a gentleman gets older, he inevitably loses many of his drinking companions to sobriety, death, general restraint or the demands of family.

And so a gentleman needs to adapt. Start with your interests, be they professional, political, literary, sartorial, athletic, culinary or cinematic. Take stock of the things you care about, and investigate ways in which you can incorporate other people into those interests.

Another approach is to look up some of the people from the bars you genuinely liked and reconnect with them, in a setting of their choosing. The important thing, in both of these strategies, is to get out of your comfort zone, lest you become entombed in it.

Refreshingly,

The Gentlemen

Winning Without Punching

Dear Gentlemen,
There’s a guy in my circle of acquaintances who dealt me a quite un-gentlemanly slap in the face (metaphorical) about six months ago. He has since been smart enough to keep his distance from me. But now he's now edging closer to my circle of friends again, without issuing me any form of apology. I may even have to deal with him in a professional context soon.

I'm unsure of how to behave when I actually have to see this prick again (and I will). As a red-blooded, hot-headed male, my instinct would be to punch him in the guts. However, in this pasty, white-bread world we live in, such an act would be akin to career suicide and would make me look bad publicly. This is not the playground, after all. But I simply cannot brook the kind of offense he committed against me. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this situation.

Regards,
Red-Blooded in Rosemont

Dear Red-Blooded,

It sounds as though you are in a state of war with this ungentlemanly rogue. But at the same time, you must find a way to defeat him, while playing the innocent. You have been provoked, and now you must provoke, without seeming to.

If you can’t avoid him, then be cold to the rogue, while being warm to everyone else. When you must meet with him, shake the hands of those around him, but not him. Acknowledge those around him, but not him. Let others speak, but talk over him. Either he will apologize, or you will have forced him to do the confronting, to play the aggressor. You have power in social situations. You simply have to wield it.

Wrathfully,

The Gentlemen

When Flowers Won't Do

Dear Gentlemen,
My ladyfriend is not a fan of flowers, which have always been my go-to little surprise present to surprise and delight. What to do and how to replace flowers with something else that will fulfill this function?

Warmly,
Potted in Brooklyn

Dear Potted,

Flowers are a winner for any number of reasons: They’re cheap, they’re surprisingly effective, and you can throw them out after a week. Finding a replacement for your lady will require some thought.

As we’ve touched upon, a little thoughtfulness goes farther than a lot of money when choosing a gift for a lady. If your lady enjoys a drink, then maybe pick up a bottle of wine, or a nice liqueur. If she likes to read, then maybe pick her up the latest release from an author she likes. You get the idea.

But be warned: Do not get her anything useful. For some reason, ladies really don’t like useful gifts. We also advise against stuffed animals. They accumulate. And if you’re buying these little tokens to make up for one of the inevitable snafus that any gentleman commits in his life with a lady, then you’ll soon have a chorus of button-eyed fuzzy creatures staring you down with their cute and silent reminders of recriminations past.

Floridly,

The Gentlemen

Sleeping with My Best Friend's Wife?

Dear Gentlemen,
My best friend's wife has made it clear that she wants to have sex with me. Their relationship is on the rocks but I don't want to be the one to put in the final smash. But I haven't had sex in months and the temptation for no-strings with a hottie is great. What would a gent do in these times of moral relativity?
Sincerely,
Best Friend, Clearwater, Florida



Dear Mr. Best Friend,

No.

A gentleman does not sleep with his best friend's wife. He does not do it to help end a relationship. He does not do it because he needs some love. He does not do it because she's hot. He does not do it in a cot.

No, a gentleman does not sleep with his best friend's wife.

But take heart, your situation proves that morality is not relative. There is at least one true rule in this modern, shifting, and constantly connected world: Don't sleep with your best friend's wife.

There are also several practical reasons to abstain from boffing your best friend's wife. You will lose your friend, the sex will likely be awkward, you are probably being used as a pawn, and your present and future friends will never trust you. Don't sleep with your best friend's wife.

Singularly,
The Gentlemen

When You're Not Up to It

Dear Gentlemen,
I'm 32 and I have a 22 year old girlfriend. She's wonderful in every way. The only problem is, she wants to stay up until all hours of the morning having sex. While I don't exactly have a foot in the grave yet it's like, hey, I'm 32 and I need my sleep. How do I approach this situation tactfully, without turning her off to go find somebody else?

Gratefully,
Tapped-Out in Tacoma

Dear Tapped-Out,

Saying no to sex is never easy. Women tend to read a great deal into a refusal of their wiles. If you say you are tired, you may not be believed, and may be up all night—arguing.

First off, don’t do anything rash. In time, you'll look back on these sleepless nights more fondly than the sleeplessness bothers you now. And remember that in most cases, the kind of amatory hyperactivity you describe slows down after the first year to eighteen months. You get used to each other, and to doing other things together.

But for now, you should start with scheduling. If you’re not living together, then try to schedule your dates for nights before days that aren’t especially early or especially taxing. Also, start the hanky panky earlier in the evening.

And if you do have to demur, wait until you’ve already done a respectable turn or two that night. Then slap your belly and joke “The old gray mare, she ain’t what she used to be.” And fall asleep immediately. If you turn down her favors and then go watch tv or do anything, it will likely be held against you.

May All Your Problems Be So Pleasant,
The Gentlemen

If a Gentleman Snores

Dear Gentlemen,

My wife, saint though she may be, is at the end of her rope with yours truly. It seems that in the past year or two I have begun to snore with great regularity. The volume of the snoring increases, she tells me, on evenings when I have imbibed a fair quantity of alcohol. She claims it has gotten to the point that she is no longer getting a full night's rest because of these terrible bear-like sounds that I am responsible for.

My wife seems to believe that suffering meekly though her husband's snoring is not part of our marriage contract. In fact, she feels quite comfortable making very hurtful suggestions to me when I have just woken up and not yet had my coffee, not to mention tisking at, tapping, pinching, and actually bludgeoning me during these alleged bouts of snoring so that I am yanked ungently from the bosom of sleep. She has suggested that I sleep on the couch. She has suggested that I abstain from drinking. She has even suggested that I seek out a surgical solution.

What do I do, gentlemen? How am I to satisfy my wife in this regard, while at the same time maintaining a place of repose for myself in our marriage bed?

Cordially,
Brooklyn Lumberjack

 

Dear Brooklyn,

Snoring is no laughing matter. Snoring killed gentleman and sack artist Reggie White. And if you’ve ever had a roommate who snored, you would agree that it amounts to nothing less than a callous withholding of one of life’s necessities from the person who has to hear it.

We all snore sometimes. And if it’s a regular occurrence, then you should address it. But both surgery and sobriety both seem like extreme steps. There are mouthpieces and machines that claim to end snoring. Have your wife channel some of her bleary-eyed rage into researching the various methods and devices by which your snoring can be alleviated. And if they don't work, tell her that many happy marriages have survived worse stop-gaps than a pair of ear plugs and a white-noise machine.

Yours in Repose,

The Gentlemen

The Long Good Bye

Dear Gentlemen,

I never end a face to face conversation unless I feel the other party has tired of it. I just feel wrong about doing it... is this a matter of gentlemenly conduct or just a personal behavioral choice with no logical support behind it?

Respectfully,

JD

Dear JD,

A gentleman knows how to close the deal. Whether it's business, pleasure or the meaningless conversation by the water cooler - always end it with a bang.

The worst part of the lingering conversation is that it confuses the participants, ultimately making them wonder if they are behaving correctly, being interesting enough, or worst, wondering what their purpose in life is. Certainly, a night out doesn't need to be curtailed because of a lull in the conversation, but simple conversations among colleagues and acquaintances should have a reason for being. When that reason has been fulfilled, end it.

The how-to of the casual farewell depends on the subject and setting of the conversation. But one tactic that almost never fails is to comment that the meeting has been enjoyable and that at some time in the future another meeting will be enjoyable. And if you keep the conversation within its natural bounds, you may even be telling the truth.

Best,
The Gentlemen

When Your Numbers Don't Add Up

Dear Gentlemen,
I am a 28 year old gent with an almost culminated graduate degree, no kids, no marriages, and now no woman. I write because I am freshly out of what appears to be an on-again, off-again 2-year relationship with a wonderful woman that ends with us deciding that we're not going the distance so we cut our ties (this makes 2 in the last four years). I filled the previous breakup periods with carnal adventures involving many bar-trodden harlots, and have bumped my "number" way too far up, my question is twofold:

1) How do I relish in my newly rediscovered singledom as a gentleman, avoid quickly reentering yet another cyclical relationship while engaging in the casual excitement that being recently single brings at the same time?

2) Is there a "number" of total sexual encounters that a gentleman should strive to avoid reaching for fear of the chronic loneliness & STD's that Don Juan coital statistics eventually bring? And if there is an accepted gentlemanly "number," does it change with a gentleman's age?

Good to Be Back,
Jumbled in Jackson County

Dear Jumbled,

A “number” isn’t a gentlemanly institution. Whether high or low, the number says nothing about a man except for the fact that he is keeping track of his number. And there is something desperate and crass about doing so. This is not a knock on the promiscuity that a single gentleman can enjoy in our day and age, but rather on the acquisitive approach to that promiscuity.

Numbers run all the way up to infinity. That peculiarity distorts the way we look at anything to do with numbers, especially money, and sexual encounters. At one point, you probably imagined that you would reach a certain “number,” and like an old man with a well-funded 401(k) be able then to retire to marriage.

But now you’re starting to notice that affairs are not bankable, that they often take more than they give. And you’re beginning to suspect that a particularly high number of such affairs is doing something dehumanizing and unwelcome to you and to the way that you approach women. You should heed that suspicion and slow down a little.

You don’t necessarily need to forego the harlots of Jackson County. But also see women who you might respect. And change the way you see them. Go out on a few proper dates whose immediate aim isn’t ending up in bed together. Get to know a lady first. And if you’re afraid of becoming entangled in a relationship with one of them too quickly, then simply don’t let your body write checks that your personality can’t cash.

Good Luck,

The Gentlemen

What if Women Read G3nt?

Dear Gentlemen,
How does a gentleman know what to and what not to tell his significant other? Specifically, I told her of this forum for gentlemen at its inception and often worry she is a reader.

Best,
Wary in Walla Walla

Dear Wary,
While G3nt isn’t intended as an advice site for women, we believe it may benefit gentlemen for women to read it.

Now I can’t address your particular fears. All women are upset by different things. And I won’t venture to guess which topics we address that might make for an uncomfortable conversation with your significant other.

But regardless of the topic, it may be better that she hear it from us than from you. If our advice angers her, you can always say that you didn’t write it, that in fact you abhor the views presented in the Daily Handbook for the Third Millennium Gentleman, and that you only read it for laughs. She may not believe you, but she can’t rightfully accuse you of writing it, or even believing it. You have plausible deniability. It is possible, but not certain, that the very writers of G3nt itself do exactly that when queried about the content of the site.

And should your significant other read the Daily Handbook for the Third Millennium Gentleman, she may become angry or exasperated, but she may also chuckle. And most importantly, she may gain some insight into your own struggles, enthusiasms and enjoyments as a mostly well-meaning gentleman in confusing times.

Conspiratorially,
The Gentlemen

Kids Without Marriage?

Dear Gentlemen,

Is it wrong of me to want to engage in some kind of Limited-Term Marriage arrangement that would allow me to be a father, but not have to be tied to the same woman for the rest of my life?

I'm really not a big fan of marriage, but I'd love to be a father. I just feel like the traditional notion of "marriage" has completely broken down to the point where it's unrealistic for most people like me. I simply cannot conceive of being married to the same person for the rest of my life. Are there any options for me?

Sincerely,

Gianni Appleseed, Indiana

Dear Mr. Appleseed,

Marriage is the most gentlemanly way to engage in fatherhood. It clearly assures the whole family that all members are committed to each other and will be there for each other forever. That, far more than society’s expectations, is the reason to do it.

But these days, families come in all shapes and sizes and there is nothing inherently wrong with choosing to create a family without the traditional marriage bonds. And certainly strong, nurturing families can offer their members that assurance without a marriage license.

The hard part, for you, is finding a woman that would go along with the limited-term marriage idea at the outset. To be fair and gentlemanly, the arrangement would require clear and agreed-upon expectations and obligations. What if one parent wants to move? What if your baby mamma wants a new baby daddy? And the big one: Where’s the money?

Fatherhood is not a limited-term arrangement and a gentleman should strive to be there every step of the way. It would be sad to end up paying child support and living 1,500 miles away from your kid because you imagine that in 15 years you’ll need some diversity of companionship. A father who doesn’t want to be tied down, and who prizes his freedom, is known by many names. But a good father is rarely one of them.

The issue here isn’t marriage. It isn’t the divorce rate. And it isn’t society. It’s that you haven’t felt the kind of affection for the woman in question that would make you want to stay with her and make the sacrifices necessary to be a father. And if you don’t want to do it, then you probably shouldn’t.

But hey, if you want to try the limited-term marriage, there probably is a woman out there willing to do anything to have a baby – and isn’t that just the type of woman you want to be the mother of your children?

Good Luck and Don’t Be a Crappy Dad,
The Gentlemen