Tuesday, June 12, 2012

A Gentleman Is Never a Soulless Drone

Dear Gentlemen,
I feel like I am a soulless drone being forced through a meaningless life. I make $65,000 working in an office where we produce something related to the financial industry. Whatever. Any advice?

Forlorn in Frankfort

Dear Forlorn,
Your whining disgusts us. Gentlemen don't whine. Not ever.

You are an adult, earn an adult wage, and are responsible for your own happiness. Mommy and daddy can't help you anymore. That means whining is out too.

As gentlemen say among other gentlemen: You have to do whatever you need to do to keep your dick up. That, more than your office-related mumbling and shuffling, is your real job.

Stay interested. If that means collecting butterflies, or dressing up in leather, or trying out for the Philadelphia Eagles, then do it. Find it and chase it hard. Meaning in life is something that you create through effort, not something handed to you by the guidance counselor you imagine runs the universe.

In sum: Suck it up and hop to it.

Not With a Whimper But a Bang,
The Gentlemen

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Flirting On Business Trips

Dear Gentlemen,
I am a newly married man who, because of his work, often finds himself alone in social situations with flirtatious women. My general tendency after years of bachelorhood is to flirt back, even when I mean nothing by it. But it's easy to see how such flirting could get me into trouble. I realize I have to draw a line, but where? In a casual office conversation? Should I skip after-work drinks? Should I simply be more reserved? Your advice would be much appreciated.
Sincerely,
Sanford, Stamford

Dear Sanford,
Don't be a flirt. Don't let anyone get the idea that you would have sex with anyone but your wife. It is thrilling to know that you still have it - that women want you. But ultimately it makes you look like you do not take your vows seriously, that you are dishonest and that you are sort of a joke.

But be friendly. I never trust anyone too serious or too extroverted. You just have to lay off the flirty behavior. Don't talk about sex or making out. Don't touch her back as you politely pull out a chair. Keep your chivalrous distance. You can get after-work drinks with a group, but avoid socializing that seems anything like a date.

The truth is that you know when you are crossing the line, but you love the rush of being loved. Everyone does, but a gentleman lives with the love that he married.

Earnestly,
The Gentlemen

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Gentleman, Neighbor

Dear Gentlemen,
I have lived in Brooklyn for many years. I have a new neighbor, a rich white girl, who complains about the noise I make. Not only do I not give a shit, I think anyone who lives in Brooklyn is obligated to not care about noise. If you want peace and quiet, then move to the entire rest of the country.

Can I tell this bunched up bitch to move to Jersey or do I have to stop listening to music after midnight?

Annoyed,
J. in Brooklyn



Dear J.,
Many gentlemen live in Brooklyn. So do many children, parents, elderly people and working people who don’t want to hear your music, especially through the walls of their homes throughout the night. It’s a wonderful place, but not a free-fire zone for inconsiderate behavior.

Being neighborly will enrich your life in unforeseen ways. Midnight is a fair compromise. Consider headphones.

Thoughtfully,
The Gentlemen

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Deflowering a Virgin in the Third Millennium

Dear Gentlemen, I recently started dating a girl. I am in my late 20’s and she is in her early 20’s. She is a fine girl, but she is a virgin. I don't really want to be her one and only. I also don't feel that qualified to be her coach. I am pretty sure she is not waiting for religious or moral reasons. It just has not happened.

What should I do? And should I feel bad about it? Is it irrational for me to think having a girl with only one sexual partner is somehow a negative thing?

Regards,
Conner, Hyannis MA



Dear Conner,
You’re not wrong to feel as you do. Taking a girl’s virginity means, on a primordial, preverbal level, taking some responsibility for her. And today’s permissive sexual environment actually has the strange effect of magnifying that sense.

But take a step back and think about the girl. As awkward and daunting as it is for you, it is likely much moreso for her. From how you describe her, she probably wants to get it over with and negate it as an issue.

And I wouldn’t worry about being her “one and only.” First, it’s not that century. Second, there’s a good chance that it won’t be exactly a mind-blowing experience. So go into it with a clear conscience, be patient and have some fun. It beats being with a girl with some dude's name scrawled on her body.

Tenderly,
The Gentlemen