Baby Shower Thank You Card?

Dear Gentlemen,

My buddy is having a baby and in some sort of annoying new twist on an old tradition I was invited to a baby shower. It was a great party hosted by his aunt, whom I know and like. Great food, lots to drink, I even bought the coming bundle of joy a small stuffed bird.

Great, fine, I don't love that men go to baby showers, but whatever. Now my girlfriend says I have to send the Aunt a thank you card? Is this as crazy and unnecessary as I believe it to be?

Gratuitously,
Marcos, KC

Dear Marcos,
Yes it is crazy.

Gentlemen don't send thank you cards for attending baby showers. Gentlemen do not even have to attend baby showers. In fact, we need to stand together on this new trend. We might go, but don't have to. We might take a gift, but we will not coo over them when they are opened. We might eat tiny crustless sandwiches, but we will not feel bad about eating all of them.

We will thank the host when we leave, but we will not send thank you cards.

Politely,
The Gentlemen

The Old Friend Lost to Mental Illness

Dear Gentlemen,
I have an old college friend who became severely schizophrenic several years ago. I haven't seen him in over a decade, but we have kept up a lively correspondence, first through the mail and now through email. I like this guy, we had some good times back in the day, but I must admit with some shame that I also encourage the relationship because I get a kick out of the crazy things he writes to me.

His life is full of paranoid delusions about covens of witches, cabals of ad executives, and computers with ESP. Now, however, he has begun to send me "articles" he has written that he wants me to pass onto my editors (I am a freelance journalist). They are as crazy as he is.

Sending them to my business contacts would tarnish those professional relationships, to say the least. So I don't forward them, but I tell my friend that I do. Am I doing wrong by misleading my already deluded buddy? Should I be more straightforward and just tell him to simmer down and take his medication regularly?

Regards,
Psycho in San Francisco





Dear Psycho,
Losing a friend to mental illness is a sad and confusing thing. On the one hand, you know that you can’t blame the friend, but on the other hand, you can’t condone their behavior, and on the other hand, you’re angry with your friend for not joining you on the difficult and sometimes exhilarating journey into adult life.

See, that’s already three hands. It’s confusing.

If you still want to be his friend, that means remaining honest. The thing that about people with mental illness that is often most painful is how aware they are of their disease and all it keeps them from. So don’t treat his mental illness like the elephant in the living room. Tell him that he may have some good points in the pieces he’s writing, but his craziness is ruining them, and keeping you from passing them to your editors.

Send him copies of the periodicals he wants to submit to, and ask him to write something more along those lines. Coach him through a few drafts for tone, style and journalistic rigor. It’ll be a chance to reconnect with an old friend, and may even be of some help to him.

Crazy people are exactly like sane people in that they’re crazier when they have nothing to do and nothing to shoot for.

Best,
The Gentlemen

The Many Mysteries of Gift Giving

Dear Gentlemen,
In the modern age of wedding planning and budgeting hell, is a gentleman still expected to provide his bride with a wedding day gift? After spending tens of thousands between the ring, wedding expenses, flights, and so on. I don't know if the bride is still expecting us to overload our credit cards with one more expensive item.

Regards,
Wedding Day Worries, WI


Dear Mr. Worries,

Wedding gift? No. You're marrying her. That's plenty.

That was easy. Now you're just on the hook for her birthday, your anniversary, Valentines Day, probably at least a fancy dinner on the anniversary of the day you met her, and your winter holiday of choice every year, presumably, for the rest of your life. And unlike gifts you might pick up for everyone else you know, you need to be thoughtful about those gifts.

But you’re fine on the wedding gift. Save your energy.

Regards,
The Gentlemen

Sharing Golf Carts with Strangers

Dear Gentlemen,
I'm just coming off a round o' golf and cursing the fact there is not a G3nt hotline (or is there..?) for instant advice on a particular predicament I was facing in my foursome. Our foursome was three of us friends and a random solo golfer we had been paired up with by the course. We had paid for carts and he was walking with his wheeled bag and obviously we had one space in the cart left... Should we have offered a spot in the cart or left him to his healthier regime? In hindsight I think we should have, but then again is it the gentlemanly thing to do to invite him to break course rules?

Respectfully,

Course Conundrum in Colorado



Dear Conundrum,
There is a reason Gentlemen are straightforward and honest, the alternative annoys everyone. You're wondering if this dude wants a ride; he's wondering if he should tell you he wants to walk; everyone is spending time thinking about a problem that isn't even a problem. Annoying.

That is why right off the bat you start with the question, "How are we going to do this? Are you walking or getting in?" It relieves the tension of the situation and let's everyone get on to the business of ruining a nice walk.

Now as far as golf course rules go, they are subsidiary to the rules of etiquette. It is one of the great things about golf. All the rules are essentially designed to create a gentlemanly environment and experience. Don't stand behind someone when they are putting, hitting - actually, just never stand behind another man. Perfect. If any course official has a problem, trump him with cordiality, and tell him you'd rather not be a jerk.

Officiously,
The Gentlemen

The Gentleman Who Is Sent Shopping

Dear Gentlemen,

I was recently sent to the store for cognac. I have never tasted cognac, nor did I know what cognac looked like, smelled like, tasted like. The liquor store had a dozen varieties, priced accordingly. Do you have any cognac recommendations? Barring that, or in addition, how should a gentleman choose a brand when confronted with a new liquor/product to buy?

Sincerely,

Confused in the Brown Liquor Aisle

 

Dear Confused,

When faced with shopping for an unfamiliar drink like cognac, port wine, anisette, or a highly fetishized but otherwise indistinguishable food item like sea salt, balsamic vinegar or olive oil, you need a plan.

The first step in a gentleman’s shopping plan is to find the most and least expensive versions of the item. Remove them from the equation. Then look at the labels, not what they say, but how they look. The experience of most liquors and foods relies heavily on how they are framed in the minds of the tasters. So put yourself in the mind of the person you’re shopping for, and the kinds of images and design with which they would identify. The whole process, to this point, should take exactly thirty-five seconds.

With those thirty-five seconds elapsed, make a sudden and irrevocable decision and head to the register. A gentleman does not spend all damn day on this sort of errand.

Decisively,
The Gentlemen

Smelling Like a Rose

Dear Gentleman,
My girlfriend likes to put weird scented oils on me before we do it. She is sort of a hippy and so she has candles and other gypsy accoutrement. Generally speaking, I always have a great time. It just bugs me a little bit that she gets out the patchouli. I shower regularly, and I don't think it's that I smell bad. I'm not sure what it is. I don't want to ruin the relationship or anything, but how can I tell her to give the incense a break? Should I just go with it? Do college girls grow out of this or can I expect to one day be the co-owner of a wiccan candle shop?

Best,

Bedazzled and Bepatchoulied, Boulder CO

Dear Bedazzled,

One glance around a department store perfume counter will affirm that the sense of smell seems to matter more to women. And if her scent preferences are getting on your nerves, then try moving your amorous locations to places where she doesn’t have access to her potions and powders. Mixing it up is a good way to get out of smelling like a Phish concert without putting the brakes on a good time.

If you must confront her about the patchouli, as gentlemen, we recommend you wait until the last possible moment, when the two of you are at the point of no return in the evening. Then say, something like “enough with your damn hippie oils, woman,” but in such a way that it sounds like the impatience of animal lust speaking, rather than a man who doesn’t want to smell like a collectivist candle shop.

Either way, you’ve asserted yourself, and that’s what a gentleman does.

Smelling of Victory,

The Gentlemen

She Buys Me Things

Dear Gentlemen,
I am in a relationship with a woman that I like but do not love. She is a corporate lawyer and makes a ton of money. I pretty much live at her place. She buys us great dinners and takes us out drinking. I'm a kept man. She gives me nice clothes. She bought me an expensive watch. How long can I keep this up without doing permanent damage to my soul?
Luxuriously Awaiting Your Reply, NYC

Dear Mr. Luxurious,
I don't know if you love this girl, like this girl, are indifferent or filled with a quiet hatred bordering on rage. What I do know, is that if you are asking when you have to end a relationship to avoid doing permanent damage to your soul, the answer is now.

People have been living less than their dream lives since Homer was writing about what the Greeks were doing outside the walls of Troy. Now you are playing the role of Helen wondering when your true love is going knock down your world and whisk you away. A gentleman does not wait for life to happen. He takes control of his life.

You have to end it. Be straight forward and honest. And if that doesn't work, blame her job.

Heroicly,
The Gentlemen

How to Drink Scotch

Dear Gentlemen,
I was recently given a few bottles of good quality scotch as a gift from my future father-in-law. To be clear, he is not a scotch drinker and they were cleaning out their liquor cabinet. I'm more of a cheap bourbon/Irish whiskey man. How does a gentleman drink scotch? Or, failing that, how does a gentleman give away scotch?

Afraid of Wincing,
Uncouth in Elmir

Dear Uncouth,
A gentleman knows his whiskey. He doesn't have to fetishize it, but he is familiar. This gift is an opportunity for you to learn a little about Scotch. There's a reason gentlemen like it. So give it a fair shot.

There are two basic types of Scotch, single malt and blended. The single malts are generally thought to be better and easier to drink. If you got a single malt (or single grain) then try it without ice first. Don't gulp, but roll it around in your mouth. Finish a small pour for a half hour while listening to some good music, and poring over a book of maps. Blends you can go strait for the ice bucket, the water or the soda, hell, maybe even mix up a Rob Roy.

There is too much information in the world about Scotch, but it is still good to take a look at the wikipedia page and familiarize yourself with what all the talk is about.

Scotch is a great gift. You can always give a guy a bottle of Scotch. You don't even need to wrap it. Just send it to G3nt Headquarters, 471 Grand Street, No. 2, Brooklyn, NY 11211. We'll make sure it falls into the hands of a deserving gentleman.

Highlandedly,
The Gentlemen

Who Gets the Coffee Table?

Dear Gentlemen,
I recently broke up with a long-term, live-in girlfriend. What is the gentlemanly way to divvy up our stuff?

Breaking Bad, Boston

Dear Mr. Bad,
Traditionally a gentleman gives all things to his parting lady and counts his freedom as worth the cost. He keeps his dignity. However, times change. So take your computer.

A gentleman should be straightforward and honest about what he wants, but open to negotiation. Don't be a jerk about stuff that can be replaced.

The only flaw with this approach is that you may end up back in the failing relationship because you are too nice and it is too much work to split up your stuff. So don't be a pushover. Be a man, write down what you want, what you'd be willing to let her keep in exchange and get out.

In the end, a gentleman still gives more than he gets. Now, we just have to help take more stuff to the dump.

Until We Meet Again,
The Gentlemen

Drinking with Lightweights

Dear Gentlemen,

My wife has us go out every now and then with some of her work friends. They are peers and a friendly enough bunch, but no one is exactly close with each other. We go to ordinary after work bars where there is normally table service. They all drink slowly. I weigh twice what these women weigh and tend to drink quickly.

A couple of the other ladies bring men, but they all seem to drink slowly also. My wife tells me that drinking so fast makes me look like an alcoholic. So I hang out with these people for an hour or two and have one or two beers. Is my wife crazy for not letting me drink at least twice that much? Can I go straight to the bar? I don't mind the company, I just think I would enjoy it all a little more if I had a lot more to drink.

Thanks,

Thirsty in Kansas City

Dear Thirsty,

Drinking with lightweights who are not exactly friends or family is always a trial. (Gentlemanly sidenote: Do be careful in distinguishing actual friends from friendly coworkers.) If you don’t have a decent professional or personal reason engage in unsatisfactory drinking, then avoid it.

As gentlemen, we are well aware that your wife wants you to do everything outside of her grooming rituals with her. But that’s why ancient gentlemen invented hunting, and more recent gentlemen have invented civilization--so that they could get away frequently. Your wife isn’t crazy for limiting your alcohol consumption in front of her coworkers. She rightly sees you as part of her professional reputation. But you might be crazy for getting needlessly roped into the deeply joyless exercise of listening to a group of mostly sober women discuss their jobs.

So get a hobby, stay late at work, start a political party, reinvent the wheel, get drinks with your own coworkers, or better yet, your friends. But don't drink with your wife's coworkers. Save your headache-inducing two-beers-and-a-forced-smile for her company Christmas party, and draw the line there.

On Our Seventh Or So,

The Gentlemen

When Someone Interrupts Your Victory Lap

Dear Gentlemen,
After informing my co-workers that I am leaving my job, one of them decided that this was the best time to let loose with some choice invectives.

I was taken aback, especially because we still have one month left of passing each other in the hallway and seeing each other at meetings. If this had happened before my decision to leave, I would have reported him to HR, but now I would feel like a tattle tale. Do you have any thoughts on how to proceed?

Sincerely,

Upwardly Mobile in Uppsala

Dear Mr. Mobile,

A gentleman should always look for the high road, and if he has the stomach for it, take that road. It sounds like you’re on your way to greener pastures, and thus, have won. In the 21st century workplace, loyalty isn’t a real consideration in most professional decisions.

So, having won, and having done nothing wrong, let this former co-worker rant and rave to his heart’s content. Meet his rage with calm, and show him for the trapped and jealous little drone he is.

Peaceably,

The Gentlemen

Strip Club with the In-Laws

Dear Gentlemen,
I have a bachelor party coming up for my wife's brother. Plans have been made to go to a strip club and my father-in-law and some other in-laws will be there. Should I go? What is the protocol for behavior?

Best,
Caught Peeking, Ossining NY

Dear Caught,
The protocol for dealing with your wife's family is to keep alive the myth that you could only imagine your life with one woman - the daughter and sister of these people that have chosen to make you go to a strip club.

You have to go, but stress that it was not your idea. Tell them you are not sure about it, that you are nervous, and that strippers give you the creeps. Do not buy a lap dance for yourself. Chip in and get one for the groom to be and/or your father-in-law, because it is vital that they are more embarrassed by the experience than you are.

Your only risk is looking too weak, so make sure you appear comfortable by making eye contact with the ladies. Don't shy away from a bit of witty banter as you turn down lap dances. And now and then politely put a dollar in a dancer's waist band. These are working girls after all, don't blame them for the fact that you got roped into going with your father-in-law.

Politely,
The Gentlemen

Not in Front of Company

Dear Gentlemen,
Recently my wife has been nagging me over silly things, especially when company is over. For example, when we order pizza, she keeps nagging me to go pick it up even though we just called in the order and I know from experience with this restaurant that I'll be waiting in the cold for 10 minutes if I go when she suggests.

What's the most gentlemanly way to explain to her the situation in front of guests without sounding rude?

Worriedly,
Henpecked in Hyannis

Dear Henpecked,

Your marriage is important. It’s more important than a lot of things, but it’s especially more important than what people think of your marriage.

Fighting with your lady isn’t fun, and is even worse in front of friends and acquaintances. And giving a gentleman advice on how to fight with his lady is like giving a schoolkid advice on how to handle a schoolyard altercation. It’s generally a waste of time, because no two fights are the same, and because it all goes out the window once the fur is flying.

But if your lady is playing the bully consistently in front of guests, then, in a private moment, you should talk to her about this troubling tendency of hers. And if that doesn't work, then consider resorting to the lowest form of combat, namely politics. It’s often a gentleman’s best bet for winning without fighting.

Let’s stick with pizza example. Mention in passing to the guests, not to your lady, that you love the pizza place, but they don’t deliver and they take absolutely forever to make a pie. If she’s using the guests to get her way without confrontation, so can you.

Then, if you must still leave far too early to pick up the pizza, ask a sympathetic guest or two if they want to come with you, because it will be a while. One will likely agree, just to avert the discomfort. A missing guest will underline how long you are gone, especially if it’s cold out. And if no one agrees to come along, then leave your cell phone at home, and grab a beer or two on the way to the pizza place.

Just relax. Take your time. You’re not only the master of your destiny, but also of their pizza.

Entertainingly,

The Gentlemen

That Facebook Picture of a Pot Pipe Isn't Cool

Dear Gentlemen,
I have a friend who is 35 years old who just posted a picture of his super sweet glass pot pipe onto Facebook. How do I tell him this is inappropriate?

Sincerely
The Grown Up, Twin Cities


Dear Grown Up,
Here at G3nt, we get a lot of questions about how to deal with that good friend who can't quite get it together. Posting an inappropriate Facebook photo certainly falls into the category of not quite having it together.

Like dealing with a friend with a drinking problem, your responsibility to tell the friend he's being a huge idiot is related to the quality of your friendship. None of us reached out to Charlie Sheen when he went over the handlebars, mostly because he never picks up a check. But when it comes to a sibling or close friend, we have to do something.

A gentleman does not put up pictures on Facebook of drug use, sex or extreme intoxication. When a photo like this gets up there, he enjoys the brief laugh and then he takes the necessary steps to remove it. If your friend doesn't know this rule, tell it to him. Call him and say, "Take that picture of you smoking weed off Facebook. Don't be a jackass."

Sometimes people use Facebook as a public call for help and sometimes they just like to share their good times. You have to know your friend and decide what this photo is all about. Whatever the reason, a friend does not let a friend sabotage his career or make a fool of himself with stupid pictures on Facebook.

Editorially,
The Gentlemen

Should a Gentleman Give Parenting Advice?

Dear Gentlemen,
I have friends who are terrible parents. I want to say something but am not sure what to say or how to say it. What is the best way to give parenting advice?

Best,
Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Concerned,
Critiquing parenting methods is a sure way to end a friendship. It is a very sensitive subject into which a gentleman rarely forays.

If we're talking bruises and cigarette burns, you have the sad obligation to contact child services. But if we're talking about general questionable parenting - like letting the little one eat gogurt or the older one stay out all night - and you still want to say something, then don't.

But if you honestly can't help yourself, then start by talking shop. Discuss attachment parenting or Ferberizing. Ask a few neutral, almost academic questions to find out why the behavior that you don't like is happening. Offer to help. Offer to babysit. Spend some time with the kid and lead by example.

You can put your friendship in jeopardy and tell them to be better parents, or you can become a better friend, and help them take care of their kid for a little while. And if they are really bad parents, hopefully you will help change their behavior by example. Otherwise, it's hands off.

Paternally,
The Gentlemen

Celebrities Are Not Better Than You

Dear Gentlemen,

I frequent a popular restaurant, where I often see celebrities I admire. What’s the right way to approach them?

Puzzled,

Star Struck in Studio City

Dear Mr. Struck,

A gentleman does not abase himself unnecessarily. If you must approach a celebrity, let dignity be your watchword.

If you’re in a restaurant, send over a drink, or a bottle of wine, then nod or wave to express your approval of the celebrity.

And if you must say hello to them, keep it brief, tell them which of their achievements you admire, and then be the one to end it. That will make it less awkward for the celebrity, and reduce the likelihood that you will be dramatically disappointed. There’s a reason they say to never meet your heroes.

Remember that you’re a gentleman, not a teenage girl or some slot-pulling retiree. Don’t ask for an autograph or take a picture with them, and don't hit on female celebrities - especially Drew Barrymore.

In an Egalitarian Mood,

The Gentlemen

Good Friend, Bad Drunk

Dear Gentlemen,

I have a great friend, whose company I really enjoy. But his personality completely changes when he has had a few too many. What should I do?

With Great Concern,

Conflicted in Colorado Springs

Dear Conflicted,
Where a true friend is involved, you owe him honesty. And you need to take care in choosing how to tell him that you don’t like drinking with him.

If he’s just a bad drunk, then it may be a matter of simply not drinking with him. You can do dozens of other things together, just not drink. But if his boorishness is part of a bigger problem, then offer to work with him through some kind of recovery program. Even if he doesn’t want to do it, you may have planted a valuable seed.

Interventionally,

The Gentleman

Before She Met You

Dear Gentlemen,
I am in a relationship that is becoming serious. Recently, I learned about my girlfriend’s sexual history. It was not a tale I enjoyed hearing. How can I deal with it?

Nauseously,

Ghost Dog, Queens, New York

Dear Ghost,

In this modern world, it’s unlikely that you will date many virgins. And it’s deeply troubling to think that a woman to whom you wish to give your heart has been won with far less by other men.

Our first piece of advice is to never get into Ghost Dog’s situation. You may want to discuss your past conquests. And earlier relationships may be a favorite topic of discussion for your lady friend. In either case, you need to curtail that discussion. It is both irrelevant and damaging. Nip it in the bud. Strangle it in the crib. No good will come of it. No matter how sparing she has been with her maidenhood, there is no good answer to the question of her past. Don’t ask, don’t answer, don’t go there.

But if you’ve already crossed that bridge, then just try to forget. Don’t enlarge the conversation by asking more questions or by bringing it up again. The more time you spend talking about it, the more time you’ll spend thinking about it. And the more time you spend thinking about it, the worse you will feel. The modern compulsion to talk about sex at all turns is in fact your worst enemy in this instance. So, stow it, and move on.

With Steely Discipline,

The Gentlemen

Politely Declining to Receive the Word

Dear Gentlemen,
I live in the tropical, Central American country of Belize. Here in Belize we have many different racial and religious groups. The most rapidly growing religious group is the Jehovah’s Witnesses.

The Witnesses walk about the village every day of the week "spreading the word." My question I have to ask you is, what is the gentlemanly thing to do when they come knocking on your door and you would rather not be preached to?

Thanks,
Racso Ttocs

Dear Racso,

There are few things as tedious as being proselytized to. But there are few things that people hold so dear as their religion. Missionaries will use your politeness as their beachhead. You don’t want to be rude, but you probably don’t want to get into it with them. If a simple but firm, "No thank you," does not immediately send the proselytizers the other way, you'll quickly have to switch to tougher methods.

One way to deal with Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons, Seventh-Day Adventists or Pentecostals is to say that you belong to another equally marginal and virulent cult. For instance, tell a Jehovah’s Witnesses that you’re a Mormon, and vice versa. That will usually back them off.

Missionaries are all trained to deal with lapsed Catholics and angry atheists, but will usually back off from a member of an obscure and aggressive group. If they press, make up a tale about the brutal persecution your family faced for being practicing Eleventh-Day Pentecostal Resurrectionists in the Anabaptist  territories of Minnesota, then flash some anger and wish them a good day.

Deviously,

The Gentlemen

Courtship Rituals of the Doomed

Dear Gentlemen,
What does it mean when a girl texts you "LOL!" after you send her a picture of your penis?

Sincerely,

Sheraz Ali, Orlando, Florida

Dear Sheraz,

It should be obvious that a gentleman doesn’t photograph, or transmit photographs of his genitals. But should you forget that, and send a lady such a picture, then “LOL!” is probably on the better end of the spectrum of possible responses, with legal action being among the worst. It should assure you that the recipient has herself plummeted to the same charmless and incoherent level as yourself.

Good Luck,

The Gentlemen