Advice on Advice

Dear Gentlemen,

Imagine you have a friend who's getting a project off the ground. It's an entrepreneurial project in the case I'm thinking of, but it really could be any kind of project--it could be a work of art, or an event he's planning, etc. Anyway, he's discussed the project with you. He didn't specifically ask for any feedback on it, and overall you liked the idea, but you found one aspect of his project to be wanting/needing improvement. You're afraid if you bring it up to him, even in a good natured way, thinking he might give you some very curt response like, "I didn't ask for comments."

I guess I have two questions. First: what's the best approach when you have some constructive commentary for a friend on a project of his?

Second, if you are the recipient of such constructive criticism, how does a gentleman react?
Thanks!
MC, Wellesley, MA

Dear MC,

If your friend did say such a thing, and if he’s indeed a gentleman, I’m sure he’s sorry for that breach of manners. Curtness is certainly ungentlemanly.

But your question does raise the issue of advice, especially unsolicited advice. A gentleman strives to be helpful. And that means giving commentary and criticism where it would seem to benefit those around him. But when the people around him don’t ask for his advice, the gentleman’s unsolicited advice puts them in the position of having to thank him for something they didn’t ask for, and possibly don’t want.

Now your friend is working on the project, and he probably knows its ins and outs better than you, as well as his own vision for it. So, unsolicited advice may be aggravating for the same reasons that a backseat driver can be aggravating.

A gentleman may respond to unsolicited advice with a simple thanks, though he hopes to receive no more of it. Simple politeness checkmates him into it. But he should strive not to similarly checkmate others

So, to sum up: Advice, especially when a gentleman offers it to another gentleman, should be limited to situations where it is requested, or at least where one of the gentlemen expresses perplexity or frustration.
Regards,
The Gentlemen